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Posts tagged Happiness
Why Joy Can Be Your Enemy
Feb 9th
In previous posts, I discussed why the so-called “negative” emotions of anger, shame, sadness, and fear are actually good friends and guides. In this post, I am going to close the loop on this project by outlining why joy, a “positive” emotion, can be your enemy.
How can this be? How can joy cause trouble? What’s wrong with feeling good?
Well, nothing, of course. Except that the pursuit of joy (and the fear of losing joy) can distract us from creating long-term happiness and fulfillment. And it can even bring about circumstances that cause tremendous suffering.
But how does this happen?
In one of two ways: Attachment and Distraction.
How is attachment a problem?
Attachment can be a problem when it clouds your judgment, preventing you from making the right choices (for you) in the hopes of getting or keeping something that you think will bring you joy.
I’m sure you’ve known people who have quit their jobs and moved away from their friends and families to a new city in order to stay together with a boyfriend/girlfriend, only to find themselves dumped and far from home when what they really needed to do is accept that other person is moving away and get on with life. Attachment to that other person, wanting to get or keep the Joy that comes from being with the other person, brought that on. Similarly, people can get attached to ideas, places and objects, and let this attachment prevent them from making wise decisions.
We can also get attached to the results of our actions and create trouble for ourselves and others. How many times have we told ourselves the following:
“I’ll be happy when I get rich/get married/have kids/get a promotion/get a better house…”
Staying so focused on the payoff prevents us from enjoying the journey, and in extreme circumstances it can lead to problems brought on by unethical behavior. Whether it’s fudging taxes, covering up problems at work, lying to your spouse to keep the peace, all of them can bring serious consequences crashing down upon you…simply because you wanted the joy associated with the payoff.
Joy can be a distraction
It can be — and it may be a harmless one, like procrastinating with Facebook or playing video games instead of taking action on something that would bring achievement and fulfillment.
Starting that big project at work can be hard. Same with fixing up your house, training for a 5K or writing a book, but those things can be incredibly rewarding (much more so than playing Angry Birds). But playing Angry Birds can provide the distraction of fun and joy.
Right now that prevents you from ever going down those paths.
Taken to the extreme, distraction becomes addiction. You drink/take drugs/gamble because it feels better than facing some challenge. No one becomes an addict because they honestly want the lifestyle and rewards — they do it because it feels good (initially at least), and it brings joy to have a drink or a hit or another card. If it didn’t feel good — at least in the moment — no one would do it.
But we do…because people find joy in distraction and they can’t tear themselves away from it long enough to take care of themselves.
In closing
Joy can lead to attraction and be a distraction. We get attached to another person or object, or to a certain result, and this can lead to bad decisions. Similarly, we can use momentary Joy to distract us from taking on more difficult challenges that would ultimately prove more fulfilling. Such distractions can prove devastating in the case of addictions. Joy is important, of course — I don’t think we could live without it for long.
But like the other “negative” emotions mentioned above, we need to keep it in its proper perspective.
(Photo credit: Boxing Punching Bag on Red via Shutterstock)
The Pause Upon Which All Else Relies
Feb 9th
Post written by Leo Babauta.
There is one little habit I’ve learned that has changed everything else in my life.
The pause.
When we fail, it’s because we act on urges without thinking, without realizing it. We have the urge to eat junk, and we do it. We have the urge to check email instead of writing a chapter of our book, and so we open our inbox. We have an urge to smoke, to drink, to do drugs, to chew our nails, to play a Facebook game, to procrastinate, to skip a workout, to eat more fries, to criticize, to act in jealousy or anger, to be rude … and we act on that urge.
What if instead we learned to pause after each urge? What if we stopped, looked at that urge, paid close attention to what it feels like inside our bodies, but didn’t act?
The urge would no longer control us. We would be able to make conscious choices that might be healthier for us, help us be happier.
If we can pause, we create space. Space to breathe, to think, to be without acting.
The pause is the answer to so many of our problems. Such a small thing, and so powerful.
To develop the pause, notice your next urge. Is it an urge to go check something online? Or eat something you know isn’t healthy for you? Pay attention to the urge, learn as much as you can about it. If you act on it after the pause, that’s OK. Just notice it, and pause, and pay attention.
Do it again for the next urge, and the next. You will get good at it with practice, and you’ll have lots of opportunities to practice.
The urges won’t go away, but your ability to pause will get stronger. And when you have the pause, you have everything.
Why Productivity Won’t Make You Happy: Life Lessons From a Dying Man
Feb 1st
I’m a sucker for productivity tips, they give me hope. I think it’s a hangover from school days when each September you would see me equipped with a new set of notebooks and pencils, just dazzled by the promise of a fresh new start on success. Reading productivity blog posts is the virtual version of indulging my office products habit and closely related to my secret guilty pleasure — “Organizing Porn” — but that’s the subject of another post.
More things, more quickly
I am not a pilot, brain-surgeon or rocket scientist. Nor am I planning the invasion of a small country, yet you could be forgiven for thinking so judging by my ruthless obsession with increasing efficiency and my compulsive habit of systematically breaking down everything I do into incremental, sequential (or parallel) steps. I have de-cluttered and re-prioritized, systematized and categorized.
I am doing more things, more quickly than I even thought possible. I have a full-time job, a part-time job, a small business and a private practice. I am communicating with more people, faster and better than before. I am LinkingIn, Facebooking, Tweeting and Blogging. I am OmniFocused and Evernoted, I have mind maps and action plans, to do lists and tickler files, 43 folders and a 5 year plan.
Even as I am dizzied by my own super-human levels of productivity, I’ve started to feel that I am surviving more than thriving. At the gym yesterday, as I dutifully clocked up my treadmill miles, I couldn’t help noticing that a large part of my life now closely resembles that of a plucky little hamster, sprinting gamely on its wheel. Last week, I spent my Thursday afternoon at the bedside of a patient who was dying. I met this man in the last months of his life, when he was suffering from end stage Alzheimer’s disease. He wasn’t the man he once was. Although he could no longer express himself, he communicated so much to me about who he was that truly inspired me.
“Have you eaten?”
When I would visit him in the nursing home at meal-times he didn’t recognize or remember me, yet without fail, as I sat down beside him he would pat my hand and say, “Have you eaten?” and offer me the food from his own plate. When I would get up to leave, he would look with concern out the window, checking on the weather and to see if it was dark, telling me to be careful as I bid him goodbye.
On the last day we were alone together for several hours. The stillness in the room descended like a heavy blanket of snow, pierced only by the sound of the oxygen machine and his breathing. Time slowed down at last and I felt a shift in my perspective and perceptions about what had been so important and urgent before I sat down beside him. I was holding his hand as he took his last breath and his heart beat its last. Accompanying someone to the end of their life is an experience that never fails to humble you but something about this experience has really changed me.
A glorious legacy
On Sunday, I was invited to a gathering of his family and friends. The house was full of people, eating and laughing, celebrating a life well-lived. Looking around, his daughter told me he would have loved this day. I sat down to look at a photo-album, eager to see glimpses of the man he had been. In this portrait of a life, I saw what was dear to him. As I turned the pages, looking at the photos of him playing with a grand-child or laughing at the helm of his boat in the Summer ocean, I saw confirmation of what I had felt intuitively; that this was a man who loved to spend time with his friends and family. A man brimming with generosity, fun, kindness and love. A man who brightened the lives of all those around him. A man who cared for, comforted and cherished those he loved. I remembered that I knew what he had done for a living and yet what struck me most was this. His glorious legacy was who he had been and not what he had done.
Conclusion
What I offer you from this experience is a reminder to stop and smell the roses and in order to do that, you may well need to employ some productivity techniques to clear yourself some space. Order is the antidote to overwhelm and I am certainly not going to be abandoning all the tips and tricks for productivity I know but I may just be adapting them. The real key is, I think, is to remember that productivity is a tool and that the ultimate goal is quality of life.
When you look back at your life, will you agree with current definitions of what is urgent and important?
(Photo credit: life after death via Shutterstock)
Mirabai Galashan MTh. helps people make the most of every day of their lives. She is a hospice chaplain, healer and teacher who works with individuals, couples and groups, offering counseling, coaching and holistic healing. Mirabai has a masters in Spirituality and Health over 20 years' experience as a professional practitioner of complementary therapies. Learn more at http://mirabaigalashan.com.
Searching for the Perfect Productivity Tool
Jan 27th
How many productivity systems, methodologies, strategies or tools have you tried so far? Do you already use something that fits your needs perfectly, or are you just doing OK, still have a feeling that something could be better?
Many people want to find the perfect productivity system or tool. Having such goal, they consider the “searching phase” as something bad. They think about it as time they have to waste for experimenting.
If you still haven’t found your Holy Grail of Productivity – don’t worry. No one said you have to. Maybe there’s even no such thing in your case. That’s perfectly fine and doesn’t mean you cannot be more productive than others.
Searching is not a waste of time
Searching for the perfect solution may be frustrating (that’s completely normal), yet it doesn’t have to be. Even changing your attitude may work – turning “wasting my time” into “getting experience” can do wonders. Think that all this trying, searching and experimenting is in fact learning about yourself, your habits, what solutions fit you, and which methods are good.
Of course this is a perfect example of truism. People know these things, but unfortunately they make use of such hints rarely. I always remind others (and want to be reminded as well!) to think in a way that will make them search for opportunities and “lessons learned” instead of wining that something didn’t turn out as expected.
So how exactly is searching for a productivity system good for you? The keyword here is “routine,” but routine cannot occur when you’re constantly changing something, right?
Here is how I see it: when you find a way to be productive, like GTD for example, you stick to the system’s or tool’s rules. Even if you are just using a tool, like a calendar or a web app that helps you organize your to-do lists. After we use a tool or process for some time we tend to not have to think about it as much. We eventually become productivity machines and do things automatically.
This may not sound very tempting when we put it that way, yet it’s what most of us would like to achieve; to become productivity ninjas. But when we fail over and over, trying out new patterns, tools, and strategies, we get frustrated or filled with other negative emotions. And that’s where I ask, “why?”
We’re all children – new things mean fun
When I was in school and had to do projects or homework I usually visualized myself sitting at my desk, getting bored and feeling like I’m wasting my youth. It’s hard to concentrate when you’re a kid. But I found a way to cheat; I simply bought something new that I thought would help me.
In such situations I went to a shop and got myself a new pen, pencil, notebook (not a laptop — we wrote directly on paper then), an eraser, a ruler and a compass (if it was math) or whatever I needed or wanted. All that stuff was cheap, but it was new and selected by me, hence I liked it. And I simply wanted to start using it; I just needed a reason.
This is the same thing that happens when a child gets a new toy and wants to play with it immediately. Who would waste time to say “thank you” to auntie who bought it? Let’s play NOW!
How’s this relevant? When you find a new tool or system, you’re excited and you want to use it. After all, you thought it over a few times and even if you’re not sure whether it’s perfect, you’re at least eager to find out. You’re full of optimism and happiness and you have fun organizing your work. Even if the tool isn’t perfect, there’s a good chance that you’re more productive than not using the tool or methodology at all.
Done is better than perfect
Of course you’d like the perfect methodology – we all would. But you won’t find it without trying. So, keep at it.
And in the meantime, just think this: you’re not wasting time if you’re already productive; it’s just that you haven’t found the perfect tool yet. You’re still on the journey to get to it.
Jan Makulec works as a copywriter in the online payments industry. He also does some guest posting and runs a few blogs himself, including Across the Board - his company blog, where he writes on various topics. Feel free to contact him on Google+ or any other way - you'll find all the contact info here: Jan Makulec.
The Parable of the Modern Farmer
Dec 20th
Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Chris Guillebeau of The Art of Non-Conformity.
Once upon a time, there was a farmer. This farmer lived in a different age than his forefathers, who were also farmers.
Instead of specializing in tomatoes or cotton as his ancestors had done, our farmer was gifted with the ability to decide every day what to plant and nurture. By the time the next day rolled around, the previous day’s crops were ready for harvest. (In these fields, crops grew very fast.)
While making decisions about his daily planting priorities, the farmer also thought about the meaning of life. Was the purpose of his existence all about ears of corn and bushels of strawberries? No, of course not. The farmer knew he wanted something more than the tasks he worked on while the sun was coming up.
The farmer also knew that in some areas of his life, he wanted to slow down and breathe easy. He did that already, reading Zen Habits every day on his mobile device while plowing the fields. He did not check email until the sun reached high noon, and he maintained few possessions that did not bring joy to his life or regular maintenance for his tractor.
The farmer was in good health, had a loving family, and kept up a routine of picking through carrots and alfalfa each week.
But the farmer knew that this routine was not enough. Deep inside his soul, the farmer wanted a challenge.
The farmer decided he should set out to build something that would improve the state of the world. But what would it be?
At first he was perplexed. “I’m just a farmer,” he thought. But then, as he was bringing in a bumper crop of sweet potatoes one afternoon, he began to understand that there was much more he could offer the world than the vegetables he harvested during his day job.
Once he started to think in this new way, the ideas kept coming. Should he begin a community tractor pull, bringing together the neighbors for a friendly competition? Write a highly-trafficked blog on cotton pesticides (“7 Simple Ways to Keep Production High”)? Distribute his excess starter crops to an enterprising young farmer in a land far away?
He wasn’t exactly sure which project he would choose, and he knew he might change his mind later. But in determining to begin something, the farmer felt a surge of confidence rush over him. The possibilities were as plentiful as the colors in the sunset he viewed each evening from the rocking chair on the porch.
What would the farmer build? How would he ultimately change the world?
As the moon rose over his latest crop and the farmer sat in the chair, he thought about the possibilities and said to himself, “I’m ready.” And then the farmer got off his porch and went to work.
Chris Guillebeau is the author of The Art of Non-Conformity blog and bestselling book. You can download his new manifesto on creating a legacy project, The Tower, for free.
How to Deal With Loneliness During Holiday Season
Dec 19th
You CAN avoid a Blue Christmas.
We’re well into the Christmas holiday season once again.
This is a time of the year when most people are busy rushing to the malls buying gifts, attending parties, gathering with friends and family, and being merry. Indeed for many, this season is the most wonderful and happiest time of the year.
However, not everyone will be celebrating this holiday season merrily.
There are some who feel lonely and unhappy during this time of the year. Their loneliness may come from loss of loved ones through death, separation by physical distance, or through breakups. Other reasons may be that person is anti-social or too busy to participate in this festive season.
If you feel lonely and unhappy during the holiday season, here are some tips on how to deal with loneliness — and how to make your Christmas holiday merrier.
1. Stop excluding yourself and go out.
If you are feeling lonely and down this Christmas holiday, instead of clinging to self-pity and seclusion (which will only worsen your loneliness), push yourself to go out and attend holiday parties and gatherings. I’m sure there are lots you can choose from, such as those held by your close friends and family, the community you live in, in school, or at work.
Attending Christmas holiday parties is a chance for you to meet different kinds of people. By being surrounded with lots of people — especially happy and positive people — you won’t feel as lonely as you do now.
2. Reach out to old friends and family.
You are given 365 days in a year, and you spend much of it minding your own life. As a result, you are so busy working that you neglect to find time to connect with family or friends. Now is the time to reach out to old friends or family you’ve neglected to give time and priority this year. Don’t be afraid to initiate.
As they say: if you want something, you just have to ask.
3. Volunteer to a cause or event.
During Christmas, there are many charitable events and causes formed by different organizations that serve to help and make this season merrier to less fortunate people such as the poor and sick. You can find one organization around you and take the initiative to join the cause.
The benefit of joining these kinds of events will give you a different sense of happiness when you are able to help and make someone else happy. Also, it’s an opportunity for you to realize that your situation isn’t as bad as you think it is. There are more people who are less fortunate and lonelier than you are. Get inspiration and strength from them.
4. Give gifts to people around you.
Gift-giving is one of the famous activities during Christmas holiday season. The act of giving is a symbol of remembering the people in your lives, as well as a way to share one’s blessings.
There’s a saying that goes:
“A sure way to be happy is to make someone else’s happy.”
Cure your loneliness by making another person happy. One way to do that is by giving gifts to those other than your friends and family. Give gifts to people like your office maintenance personnel, guards, co-workers, bus or taxi drivers — all the people that may not affect your life significantly and yet somehow they all are part of your life.
You don’t need to give an expensive gift, something even as simple as a Christmas greeting card will be fine. I’m sure you will feel happy once you see the surprised (and happy) expression on their faces once you hand them their gifts.
5. Focus your thoughts on what you have — instead of what you don’t have.
Often the reason for our loneliness and unhappiness roots from our thoughts or mindset. We focus our thoughts on what we don’t have instead of what we have – that’s why we always feel incomplete and unfulfilled.
During this joyous season, cure your loneliness by doing the opposite. Focus your thoughts on what you have instead of what you don’t have. Be grateful for all the blessings and opportunities you’ve had this year. Once you start pinpointing the things you were grateful for and blessed with this year, I’m sure you will realize that your life isn’t as bad as you think it is.
I hope you were able to pick up valuable tools on how to deal with loneliness during holiday season. Use these to make this time of the year a merry and joyous event. If you have any others to add, please do so in the comments.
(Photo credit: Lonely Santa Girl with Presents via Shutterstock)
Lou is a professional accountant, personal development coach, public speaker and entrepreneur. She writes and coach on positive attitude, productivity, stress management, success, personal finance and balanced life. Find out more about her works at Live Life to Fullest
Quashing the Self-Improvement Urge
Dec 13th
Post written by Leo Babauta.
One of the driving forces of my life for many years was the need to improve myself. It’s one of the driving forces for people who read my work as well.
It’s an incredibly pervasive urge: we are always trying to improve, and if we’re not, that’s something we should improve.
It’s everywhere. Where does this urge come from? It’s embedded in our culture — in the U.S. from Benjamin Franklin to the early entrepreneurial titans, everyone is trying to better themselves. It goes deeper, to ancient Western ideals of the perfect well-rounded person. But it flourished in the 20th century, from Dale Carnegie and Napoleon Hill to Stephen Covey. And now it’s in full bloom, with blogs. And yes, I’m part of this movement.
So what’s the problem? You could say it’s great that people are constantly trying to improve themselves, but where does it end? When is anyone ever content with who they are? We are taught that we are not good enough yet, that we must improve, and so … we always feel a little inadequate.
This is true no matter how much you’ve accomplished. You might have achieved a thousand goals, but do you have defined abs? Are your boobs big and bouncy? Do you have perfect skin? Have you read every classic in literature? Do you know fine wines, fine art, and every great musician from classical to jazz to punk to rock? Do you have success as an entrepreneur, as a writer? Can you speak several languages, and have you traveled the world? Do you own fewer than 100 things, or a small house? Are you a fast runner, and have you run a 100 miler? Can you Crossfit, or lift 1,000 pounds in the Big Three lifts? Do you have the perfect home, and can you cook gourmet meals? Are you the perfect parent, or have perfect work-life balance? Can you do yoga, meditate, juggle and do magic? Do you brew the perfect cup of coffee, or tea, or beer? Can you recite Shelly, Shakespeare, Homer? Are you good at picking up women, are you the perfect friend, the perfect lover, a romantic husband, a wife who meets her husband’s needs, a master craftsman, a hacker and a programmer, a knitter or sewer, a home-repair expert, knowledgeable in investing and real estate, do you know the perfect system for goals and use the perfect to-do software, is your phone as nice as his, or your bag as nice as hers, do you have cute boots or a manly shave? Are you debt free, or car free or gluten free? Do you give to charity or volunteer at shelters or build schools for Africa? Is your TV as large as mine, or your penis?
Are you adequate? Are you confident of that?
We are never adequate, never perfect, never self-confident, never good enough, never comfortable with ourselves, never satisfied, never there, never content.
And it becomes the reason we buy self-help products, fitness products, gadgets to make us cooler, nicer clothes, nicer cars and homes, nicer bags and boots, plastic surgery and drugs, courses and classes and coaches and retreats. It will never stop, because we will never be good enough.
We must improve. We must read every self-improvement book. When we read a blog, we must try that method, because it will make us better. When we read someone else’s account of his achievements, his goal system, his entrepreneurial lifestyle, her yoga routine, her journaling method, her reading list, we must try it. We will always read what others are doing, in case it will help us get better. We will always try what others are doing, try every diet and every system, because it helped them get better, so maybe it will help us too. Soon, we will find the ultimate solutions, soon we will get there. No, that hasn’t happened yet, but maybe this year will be the year.
Maybe 2012 will be the year we reach perfection.
Or maybe it will never stop, until we die, and that’s a part of life — life is a constant striving for improvement, and we’d hate to ever stop wanting to improve, because that means we’re dead, right? Even if that means that as we die, we wonder if we could have been better, and our last thought is, “Am I adequate as a person?” Even if that means we are never happy with ourselves, at least we are striving to be happy with ourselves, right?
What if instead, we learned to be happy with ourselves?
What would happen?
Would we stop striving to improve? Would that be horrible, if we were just content and didn’t need to better ourselves every minute of every week? Would we be lazy slobs, or would we instead be happy, and in being happy do things that make us happy rather than make us better? And in being happy, perhaps we would show others how to be happy? And crazy as it might sound, maybe we’d start a little mini-revolution of happiness, so that people wouldn’t feel so inadequate, or need to spend every dime on products, or spend all their time on self-improvement.
A revolution of contentment.
Think of how this might simplify your life. Think of how many self-improvement books you read, or listen to in the car. Think of how many products you buy to make yourself better. Think of how many things you read online, in the hopes of being better. Think of how many things you do because you feel inadequate. Think of how much time this would free up, how much mental energy.
Realize that you are already perfect. You are there. You can breathe a sigh of relief.
The urge to improve yourself will come up again. Watch it, like a funny little clown trying to tease your soul, but don’t let your soul feel worse for the teasing. Don’t let yourself react to this little clown, nor feel the pain of his attack. Let him do his dance, say his funny things, and then go away.
Quash the urge to improve, to be better. It only makes you feel inadequate.
And then explore the world of contentment. It’s a place of wonderment.
‘Contentment is the greatest treasure.’ ~Lao Tzu
Kids Who Are Gift-less are Gifted
Dec 6th
Post written by Leo Babauta.
When I wrote about my family doing the No New Gifts Holiday Challenge, I received a couple comments that I was a Grinch:
You must be a drag to live with. ‘What kind of deprivation and sacrifice has Daddy got for us today?’
and
I couldn’t agree more lol, I’m sure kids see him as the Grinch, i feel sorry for them. I doubt his kids would be like ‘Yes dad, don’t buy me the latest Call of Duty game, i don’t want the 1% to get richer.’
While I was touched by the concern for my kids, I am not worried:
- My kids have plenty of video games and electronics (including the latest COD game). They earn money and buy them themselves, and learn that if they want something, they can earn it, and it’s not handed to them.
- My kids have everything they need and much more. If anything, they have too much, but I try not to force my minimalist philosophy on them.
- Instead of deprivation, my kids are learning that there is much more to Christmas than getting a bunch of presents. (More below.)
- They are learning to be creative instead of consuming. This lesson is more necessary today than ever.
- We are learning that spending time with family is more important than spending money or spending time shopping.
- Together we are creating new traditions based on creativity, fun, and giving, not just buying.
- We are thinking of ways to give that don’t necessarily involve shopping — making gifts, volunteering, donating to charity, etc.
The reaction of my kids when I talked to them (once again) about not buying presents? They completely understood my anti-consumerism reasoning, and they were excited to come up with new ideas. Honestly. I was really proud of them when I sat down with them (individually and in groups) and talked about these ideas — they didn’t look disappointed at all, they in fact happily thought of some cool things we could do together.
Some ideas they’re excited about doing this Christmas instead of buying new gifts:
- Making our own gifts. My son Seth is really, really excited about making stuff. In fact, he wants to make something for himself and wrap it up to open on Christmas morning. Yes, he’s a bit weird, but I love that. Eva wants to sew gifts for people.
- Baking gifts. We love baking, and it’s a fun activity to do together. And we can give cookies, cupcakes, brownies as gifts to family, make them fatter, but not clutter their homes with needless possessions.
- Going to play in snow. We’re from Guam, so snow is a novelty for us. My kids know it from Christmas movies and the like, but it’s not a yearly tradition for us — so driving to play in snow is really fun. We love making snow people, snow forts, snow angels, and having snowball fights.
- Volunteering. We’re not sure where we want to volunteer this year (in past years we’ve done soup kitchens and Salvation Army bell ringing), but we do like the idea of giving.
- Christmas caroling. We aren’t good singers, but we love singing Christmas songs.
- Playing games. We love, love board games and other such games. We love getting together with family and playing games and sports. Having fun with family doesn’t have to involve gifts.
- Make decorations. It’s so much fun to put up festive decorations, and if you can make them yourselves, even better.
And this is just the start of the ideas we’ve come up with. Sure, buying gifts is a holiday tradition — but is it the only possible tradition? Can’t we create new ones?
My kids are not deprived. In fact, I think our family is very lucky, and I hope to show others that creativity, fun, giving, and family bonding are amazing things that you can do without being a participant in the usual consumerism.
Why It’s So Important to Know the Difference Between Self-Help and Personal Growth
Dec 1st
Photo credit: Jesper Sachmann (CC BY-NC-SA 2.0)
To many of us the terms “self-help” and “personal growth” are interchangeable. But while they may give the external appearance of having twin meanings, in the external perception they are more akin to those tiny figures that we would see perched on the shoulders of a character on television. If you can, visualize the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other and you’ll get my meaning.
One is a near obsession with fixing some innate flaws, either real or imagined, which are a blemish on our existence. We just know that if we could fix ourselves, life would be pure bliss. Or would it?
The other is based on the belief that we are fine the way we are, though not perfect, we are good enough already. But that we are a work in progress and there is a desire to expand in some way, through gaining knowledge, through improving our skill or through cultivating healthier or more positive behaviors.
Though I may be splitting hairs over textbook definitions, the true difference is in how the perception of the journey affects both our attitude and our actions. We resist change when we feel bad about ourselves; condemned, criticized and judged (usually we are the ones offering up our own judgment.) We embrace change when it elicits happy feelings of fulfillment and accomplishment.
A few examples to illustrate my theory…
Weight/Health issue
Self-Help Perspective: I can’t fit into my jeans. I need to lose 20…30…50 pounds, then I’ll be happier. What is wrong with me? I’ve tried so many diets. I just need to exercise more. Ugh
Personal Growth Perspective: I want to be healthy and have more energy to allow me to live the life I love. This is the only body I have and I choose to nurture it by making healthier food choices and moving to keep my heart and muscles strong and fit.
Organization issue
Self-Help Perspective: I have got to get it together. My house (car, office) is always a mess. I can’t find anything. I never seem to get anything done. I just need to find the right system. Or maybe I could hire someone to come in and clean it all up.
Personal Growth Perspective: I set my priorities. I won’t accumulate things I don’t need. I’ll ask for help from someone who can offer effective strategies on how to better manage my life, my home or my work. I acknowledge that external disorganization is a symptom of lack of internal focus. I need to be clear about what I want.
Money issue
Self-Help Perspective: I need a better “get out of debt” plan. But the book said if I just followed the guidelines, I could be a millionaire…I need a job that pays more money.
Personal Growth Perspective: I work toward my debt and savings goals consistently. I understand that it can be a slow process. I treat money with respect and gratitude. I am grateful to have a job. I invest in myself and my career by improving my marketable skills.
You get the idea. Though this may be an exaggeration to illustrate a point, I think the difference in perception and attitude is readily apparent. And while the actions taken may actually be the same, the results will differ greatly, because the intention is different.
We instinctively push back against the idea that we are lacking and “should” fix ourselves. We are drawn to the idea that we are wonderful and getting better all the time.
Which way of thinking sounds more enticing to you? Which strategy do you think has better long term results? Which perception do you think contributes more to your happiness in life?
Royale Scuderi is a writer, life and business coach who empowers individuals and businesses to achieve higher productivity, growth, business success and work - life balance. She offers wisdom, insight and ideas to help you get the most out of your life at Productive Life Concepts.
The No New Gifts Holiday Challenge
Nov 22nd
Post written by Leo Babauta.
Are you ready to participate in the mad shopping frenzy that we partake in every year, not only on Black Friday but all holiday season long?
Are you ready for an incredible burst of spending, for racking up credit card debt, for the stress of buying things for everyone on your list?
Are you ready to consume an insane amount of resources, to have a huge impact on the environment, to work long hours to pay for all that?
Yep, it’s the holiday season again, and with it comes the worst season for consumerism ever.
I say, let’s opt out.
My family and I are issuing a challenge to all my wonderful readers, to the world: The No New Gifts Holiday Challenge.
What is this crazy challenge? It’s simple — follow all these rules:
- Buy no new gifts during the holidays.
Wait, whaaat? Don’t fret, there are alternatives:
- Make gifts, like crafts or construction type gifts.
- Bake or cook consumable gifts like cookies.
- Give the gift of your service — wash cars, give a massage, babysit, clean a house, mow lawns, etc.
- Buy used gifts at thrift stores.
- Donate to charity, as a group.
- Volunteer at a charity together.
- Have a shared experience together.
- Create something, together, instead of consuming.
- Give to others things you don’t need (a good sewing machine, etc.).
- Find gratitude for what we already have.
Are you in? Take the challenge! It’ll be fun, you’ll save a ton of money, and your family will get creative. Read on.
The Tradition of Traditions
Many people will scoff, and say they love giving gifts. It’s a tradition, after all!
Well, sure. But new traditions can be made if the old ones aren’t working out. And I’d argue the tradition of buying gifts is broken. Read: The Case Against Buying Gifts.
Do we really want to teach our children that giving is really all about buying? Do we want to teach them that to show love, you must buy something? Do we want to set an example of consumerism instead of creativity? Are we saying that the only way a family or friends can get together is if we spend a crapload of needless money?
No. Let’s be more creative. Let’s create new traditions.
What kind of traditions? What if families got together and played games? Built things? Went outdoors to hike, play games, swim, play in the snow, camp out? What if families taught each other how to make things?
What if families got together to help others? Volunteer at a soup kitchen, help others build houses, clean up a neighborhood? Show that giving can be amazing, but it doesn’t have to involve consumerism.
Get creative. Get healthy. Get constructive. Get compassionate.
But teh sales! All the money I’ll save!
I think you know this already, but it’s worth reminding ourselves that when you shop during a sale, you aren’t saving money. You are spending it.
The best way to save money is by not buying at all.
Sure, there are some necessities that we need, but holiday sales are not about necessities. They’re about convincing you that all these TVs, iPads, Kindle Fires, iPods, video game systems, clothes, power tools and more are necessities. You can’t escape buying all this stuff, because it’s Christmas dammit! So come down and save some money, and sign up for store credit while you’re at it.
When retailers offer you a major sale, this is a good time to run in the other direction. They’re trying to trick you into buying something you don’t need. When you see an advertisement for something, anything, it’s a good time to shut off whatever you’re watching, or go to another website. You don’t need it. Opt out of Black Friday, at the very least. (We’ll talk about next year later.)
But … my family won’t!
First, your whole family doesn’t have to do this. Just you. You’ll be an oddball, and some people won’t understand, but you’ll be leading by example. Send them a link to this post, and tell them Leo made you do it. Just because everyone else is doing massive consumerism, doesn’t mean you have to.
Second, don’t be fatalist. Your family might be willing to change, if you at least start the discussion. Again, send a link to this post. Ask them what they think. Challenge them to get creative.
This could save your family thousands of dollars, and be incredibly gratifying in the process. Instead of spending hours of shopping apart from each other, you could be spending hours together, doing things. Celebrate the holidays simply.
Talk about the benefits of changing, and the problems with the way things have been done.
These holidays weren’t always about massive shopping. What did people do before department stores and malls and online retailers? How did they ever survive? Let’s try to remember.
Dealing with Difficult People
Some friends or family members absolutely won’t join you. That’s OK. You don’t need to force this on anyone.
Remember that everyone will change at their own pace, and not everyone will embrace changes like this. They’ll feel threatened, or criticized. You need to try not to come off as critical of others, but more positive.
Tell them that they are not required to join you, but that you want to do this for your own sanity. You are trying to save money, but mostly you want to move away from consumerism. Ask only that they respect this.
Others might insist on getting you presents. Politely ask that they don’t, but if they do, don’t be ungrateful. It can be awkward — for years I’ve asked family not to buy me presents, only to have some of them buy me stuff anyway. I don’t buy them anything, so it’s weird. But these days I just smile, and say thank you, and appreciate the effort. It’s a long education process, trust me.
In the meantime, you can still suggest starting other traditions, like playing games or going outside or volunteering.
Be patient. Others don’t like to be forced into change, so just be the change you want to see in the world.