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Mirabai Galashan
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Posts by Mirabai Galashan
Six Sizzling Suggestions to Make Valentine’s Day Last All Year
Feb 8th
It’s that month again.
Does your heart leap at the prospect of astonishing your partner with a date that will set their world on fire? I didn’t think so.
All that pressure to be romantic focussed on one little day can feel like more of a burden than anything else. You can sulk all you want but declaring that you don’t believe in the whole consumerist conspiracy rarely gets you off the hook unless your beloved shares that same philosophy.
It is possible that you are so romantic all year round that your partner feels sorry for the poor schmucks who are waiting for their annual dose of hearts and flowers. But by following these sizzling suggestions, next year you might actually achieve that goal.
1. Think outside the box (of candy)
Take the road less travelled. As I mentioned in my post on how to buy awesome holiday gifts, one of the keys to giving gifts is to think about what your partner appreciates as opposed to just giving what is traditional or expected. While my personal opinion is that one can never get enough flowers, I would far rather receive a back rub than a box of candy. More appreciation and less money spent. It’s a win-win. Plus you always get points for appearing to have put some thought and effort into what to get, even if you might not succeed in procuring the perfect gift.
2. Express yourself
If you feel like saying, “Screw you, greeting card manufacturers. I’m not your bitch,” go right ahead.
You don’t have to buy a card if you don’t want to. However, you could make one. If you’re a parent you can steal ideas (and crayons) from your kids; it doesn’t have to be perfect. In fact, the deployment of well-intentioned yet artistically challenged art skills can be pretty charming. Of course, you could always delegate by commissioning a card from your nearest kindergartener if you don’t want to do it yourself. You can even dispense with the whole card completely and write a poem or a letter of appreciation instead. But not a virtual one and certainly not a Valentine’s Tweet, please.
3. Check please
While it’s traditional to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day, who really appreciates paying through the nose for a set meal in a very over-crowded restaurant? I’d certainly rather go there on another night when the choice of reservation is better than either 5pm or 9.45pm — perched precariously on a high top which is what I was offered today.
4. Budget bistro
Just because you’re on a budget, doesn’t mean you have to give up the idea of a romantic dinner. How about cooking instead, maybe even together and splurging on a really nice bottle of wine? You don’t have to worry about driving (or parking).
Can’t cook? Not a problem. Have you ever thought about hiring or bartering with a friend to do it for you instead? If you know another couple, you could even do a trade off where you guys take turns cooking, serving dinner and doing the dishes for each other.
5. Afternoon delight
You always hear relationship experts tell you that you need a date night, but after a long day of work plus kids and by the time you have been out to dinner and movie, sleep is probably the big S on your mind. Avoid this issue by changing your Valentine’s date night to daylight. Pick a weekend day and if you have children, arrange play-dates or hire a sitter to take the children out of the house for at least three hours. With the house to yourselves, take advantage by having a romantic indoor picnic together. To spice things up even more, how about taking things into the bedroom? Bring a blindfold and take turns feeding each other for a taste test to rekindle all your senses.
6. Strangers in the night
This is quite the fire-starter, especially when you have been together for a long time and/or are married. Arrange to meet at a bar that neither of you have been to, a hotel bar is ideal for the purpose of this exercise (plus it gives you extra options about what you do next!).
Without discussing any details beforehand, you are each going to invent an alter-ego, complete with name, age, etc. Venture outside the box a little and experiment playing the role of someone who has a little different lifestyle to your own. For example, if you are a stay-at-home mom, you might pretend to be a traveling sales executive and power dress in heels and a business suit – perhaps with racy lingerie underneath.
When you arrive at the bar, pull up a stool, order a drink and wait to be approached by a handsome, mysterious stranger. Play hard to get or flirt like mad, the choice is yours – what’s even more fun is when the guy on a business trip sitting next to you is eavesdropping on the conversation and just can’t believe what he’s hearing – especially when you decide its time to leave together!
Hack Valentine’s Day
It’s hard to conjure romance on demand. You would think that the better you know somebody, the easier it would get, but conversely it often seems that the longer you have been together, the harder it is. Added to the fact that we are all so busy and pretty tired, pulling off the date of the year on a school night can seem like a tall order.
But fear not, my lovelies. You came to the right place. Try these suggestions and you will hack Valentine’s Day; in fact you may just find the romance lasts all year.
(Photo credit: two valentine’s paper hearts via Shutterstock)
Mirabai Galashan MTh. helps people make the most of every day of their lives. She is a hospice chaplain, healer and teacher who works with individuals, couples and groups, offering counseling, coaching and holistic healing. Mirabai has a masters in Spirituality and Health over 20 years' experience as a professional practitioner of complementary therapies. Learn more at http://mirabaigalashan.com.
Why Productivity Won’t Make You Happy: Life Lessons From a Dying Man
Feb 1st
I’m a sucker for productivity tips, they give me hope. I think it’s a hangover from school days when each September you would see me equipped with a new set of notebooks and pencils, just dazzled by the promise of a fresh new start on success. Reading productivity blog posts is the virtual version of indulging my office products habit and closely related to my secret guilty pleasure — “Organizing Porn” — but that’s the subject of another post.
More things, more quickly
I am not a pilot, brain-surgeon or rocket scientist. Nor am I planning the invasion of a small country, yet you could be forgiven for thinking so judging by my ruthless obsession with increasing efficiency and my compulsive habit of systematically breaking down everything I do into incremental, sequential (or parallel) steps. I have de-cluttered and re-prioritized, systematized and categorized.
I am doing more things, more quickly than I even thought possible. I have a full-time job, a part-time job, a small business and a private practice. I am communicating with more people, faster and better than before. I am LinkingIn, Facebooking, Tweeting and Blogging. I am OmniFocused and Evernoted, I have mind maps and action plans, to do lists and tickler files, 43 folders and a 5 year plan.
Even as I am dizzied by my own super-human levels of productivity, I’ve started to feel that I am surviving more than thriving. At the gym yesterday, as I dutifully clocked up my treadmill miles, I couldn’t help noticing that a large part of my life now closely resembles that of a plucky little hamster, sprinting gamely on its wheel. Last week, I spent my Thursday afternoon at the bedside of a patient who was dying. I met this man in the last months of his life, when he was suffering from end stage Alzheimer’s disease. He wasn’t the man he once was. Although he could no longer express himself, he communicated so much to me about who he was that truly inspired me.
“Have you eaten?”
When I would visit him in the nursing home at meal-times he didn’t recognize or remember me, yet without fail, as I sat down beside him he would pat my hand and say, “Have you eaten?” and offer me the food from his own plate. When I would get up to leave, he would look with concern out the window, checking on the weather and to see if it was dark, telling me to be careful as I bid him goodbye.
On the last day we were alone together for several hours. The stillness in the room descended like a heavy blanket of snow, pierced only by the sound of the oxygen machine and his breathing. Time slowed down at last and I felt a shift in my perspective and perceptions about what had been so important and urgent before I sat down beside him. I was holding his hand as he took his last breath and his heart beat its last. Accompanying someone to the end of their life is an experience that never fails to humble you but something about this experience has really changed me.
A glorious legacy
On Sunday, I was invited to a gathering of his family and friends. The house was full of people, eating and laughing, celebrating a life well-lived. Looking around, his daughter told me he would have loved this day. I sat down to look at a photo-album, eager to see glimpses of the man he had been. In this portrait of a life, I saw what was dear to him. As I turned the pages, looking at the photos of him playing with a grand-child or laughing at the helm of his boat in the Summer ocean, I saw confirmation of what I had felt intuitively; that this was a man who loved to spend time with his friends and family. A man brimming with generosity, fun, kindness and love. A man who brightened the lives of all those around him. A man who cared for, comforted and cherished those he loved. I remembered that I knew what he had done for a living and yet what struck me most was this. His glorious legacy was who he had been and not what he had done.
Conclusion
What I offer you from this experience is a reminder to stop and smell the roses and in order to do that, you may well need to employ some productivity techniques to clear yourself some space. Order is the antidote to overwhelm and I am certainly not going to be abandoning all the tips and tricks for productivity I know but I may just be adapting them. The real key is, I think, is to remember that productivity is a tool and that the ultimate goal is quality of life.
When you look back at your life, will you agree with current definitions of what is urgent and important?
(Photo credit: life after death via Shutterstock)
Mirabai Galashan MTh. helps people make the most of every day of their lives. She is a hospice chaplain, healer and teacher who works with individuals, couples and groups, offering counseling, coaching and holistic healing. Mirabai has a masters in Spirituality and Health over 20 years' experience as a professional practitioner of complementary therapies. Learn more at http://mirabaigalashan.com.
Why It’s Important to be Wrong: The Valuable Art of Apology
Jan 25th
Have you noticed how obsessed we all are with getting things right? Not only that, but doing the right thing quicker and better than ever before. Everywhere you turn, there are books, magazines and blogs dedicated to making sure we have the secrets of success so we don’t screw up. In the face of all this rampant perfectionism, it’s easy to overlook the importance of being OK without getting it wrong now and then.
I had a bad day yesterday. In fact, I would go so far as to say that my morning was one hot mess and that there is no one to blame but me. I handled a couple of issues SPECTACULARLY badly. By 10am, I had done some serious, but hopefully impermanent damage to some important relationships in my life, both personal and professional.
To Err is human
“Shut Up, Shut Up, Shut Up!”, the mature part of me was screaming, but unfortunately, this wasn’t the part of me that was driving the bus at the time. All in all, it was an epic fail on the “impulse control front.” For someone adept at navigating the grey complexities of ethics in both academic and professional life, it’s rather bizarre how obnoxiously black and white I can be when things get personal. Now that my blood pressure has gone back down to normal, I cringe as I reflect on my vehement and indignant behavior.
Being able to see that we (may) have made an error of judgment is a good thing. Not least because it keeps our ego in check and teaches us some humility.
The Customer is always right
In business, the old saying “the customer is always right” still holds true. Customer service, or lack thereof, can make or break a company. At the foundation of good customer service is the ability to apologize and to do it well. One often cited example of best practice is from 1982 when a Japanese Airlines plane crashed in Tokyo Bay. The president of the airline went promptly and personally met with and apologized to each family of the crash victims.
Not only is it the right thing to do, but in some cases, it actually pays to apologize. Take the world of medical malpractice, where the traditional consensus amongst attorneys defending doctors who were being sued used to be to advocate silence. However, some more recent research has challenged this way of thinking. One of the most famous cases is the VA Hospital in Lexington, Kentucky. The Lexington VA has a policy surrounding medical error which actually encourages communication of sympathy and admissions of fault. Not only that but the VA is proactive in disclosing errors and offers help on how to file a claim.
“This policy of extreme honesty, practiced since the late 1980s, has reportedly reduced lawsuits and settlement and defense costs. Only three cases have gone to trial in 17 years, with the average settlement being $16,000, compared with the national VA average of $98,000.”
Robert J Walling and Shawna S. Ackerman (2006) “Having to say your sorry: A More Efficient Medical Mal Practice Insurance Model.”
The disclaimer
While saying sorry might avoid a law suit in many circumstances, if you find yourself in a situation that has a chance of ending in legal proceedings, it is always advisable to consult an attorney because in some states, saying “I’m sorry” can be used as an admission of guilt in court.
How not to apologize
Of course, all apologies are not created equal and it’s said that in business, a bad apology can actually be detrimental in some circumstances. In a 2006 Inc. article, Allison Stein Wellner referred to research by Jennifer K. Robbennolt, a professor at the University of Illinois College of Law. In a study of apology letters written after a hypothetical accident, Wellner discovered that victims who received a partial apology (interpreted as “I’m sorry if you think I should apologize“) were actually less likely to accept a settlement offer than those who received no apology at all.
Another common pitfall is what Lauren Bloom, attorney, ethics expert and author of the Art of Apology ebook describes as the “if/any game.” She describes it as one of the apology errors that politicians frequently make when they say, “if my actions offended anybody, then I apologize.”
Elements of a good apology
There is quite a lot of helpful information to be had on the art and/or science of apologizing. Some of the key elements are sincerity, timing, taking full responsibility, acknowledging the hurt or damage caused, asking for forgiveness, future intentions and restitution. The website PerfectApology.com points to the letter and video by Jet Blue founder and Ceo David Neeleman as a perfect business apology. “We are sorry and embarrassed. But most of all, we are deeply sorry…(for) the worst operational week in JetBlue’s seven year history.”
Hard to say
If it’s tricky to say sorry in business, how much harder is it in our personal relationships? Owning our short-comings can be hard. An apology can feel like an admission of failure, an undesirable acknowledgment of our human frailty. There is often fear attached to a real or perceived threat that an admission of a mistake may be used against us in the future. We may be afraid that our apology will not be accepted, that it will be greeted with anger, that it will result in more conflict when we seek to avoid confrontation.
But, when all is said and done, I still believe that owning up to being wrong is the right thing to do. It equips us with the ability to see things from more than one perspective. It offers the opportunity to cultivate persistence and not to quit. It reminds us that life is not a performance or a test but a learning experience.
Conclusion
To err is human, as the saying goes, but to forgive is divine. I’m counting on the divine intervention necessary that I might be able to give myself and everyone else permission to screw up and to learn from our mistakes. For at the end of the day, sometimes it simply comes down to this, “Would you rather be right or be happy?”
Mirabai Galashan MTh. helps people make the most of every day of their lives. She is a hospice chaplain, healer and teacher who works with individuals, couples and groups, offering counseling, coaching and holistic healing. Mirabai has a masters in Spirituality and Health over 20 years' experience as a professional practitioner of complementary therapies. Learn more at http://mirabaigalashan.com.
What You Ought to Know About Buying Perfect Holiday Gifts for Loved Ones
Dec 12th
When it comes to the holidays, there are those who plan months ahead, thoughtfully selecting the perfect gifts and those who procrastinate down to the last moment, hurtling through the crowds on a wild-eyed, manic mission to find anything that will do. Whatever your approach to the issue, gift-giving can be a stressful process, especially when it comes down to choosing a gift for the one you love.
The tenth anniversary disaster
Take my friend Ken, who faced with the challenge of a tenth wedding anniversary to celebrate, was quite convinced that his lovely wife Deb would be thrilled with the sapphire ring he selected for her. It was a a spectacular ring, but as I admired it on her finger, Deb sighed and confided that really what she had wanted was to have the driveway resurfaced.
Who knew?
If anyone would have known that she’s the type of girl who prefers a cement truck to a Tiffany box, perhaps it should have been the guy whose been by her side for the last decade?
Poor Ken had such awesome intentions but he made the classic mistake of giving what he thought would be a great gift instead of giving her what would really make her happy. That of course, was only the beginning of the problem, because then he felt unappreciated and got really mad with her that she wasn’t being grateful. As you can imagine, it didn’t turn into quite the romantic night they were hoping for.
Life-long immunity from the Epic Fail
The good news is that there is a solution to this thorny problem, a gift-giving hack that will grant you life-long immunity from the Epic Fail and transform you into the Superhero who blows their mind every time. It’s not rocket science, people. It’s the deceptively simple idea of giving people what they actually want. In fact, this is a hack that has benefits way beyond gift-giving for your relationship.
The key to success is in taking time to figure out your partner’s unique values instead of assuming that they might appreciate what would be on the top of your list. As we saw with Ken, you can put a heck of a lot of effort in to doing something to make somebody feel loved, but if you are not communicating in their language, the message is not going to be received the way it is intended. It’s not just enough to avoid the obvious mistake of giving what you would like, you need to take time to understand your partner’s preferences.
Are you speaking the same language?
Marriage Counselor Gary Chapman would describe this as learning your partner’s “love language” which is how he describes the idea that everybody has a primary way that they express and interpret love. In his book, the 5 Love Languages, Gary identified five key ways in which people feel loved: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Physical Touch and, of course, Receiving Gifts.
Thinking about yourself and your significant other for a moment. In order for you to feel loved which of the following would you prefer that they did?
a) wrote you a poem
b) took care of household chore without being asked
c) stared deeply into your eyes over a candle-lit dinner
d) gave you a massage
e) bought you something
Of course, I’d personally like to add,
f) all of the above
to the options but for the sake of this exercise, just go with it and pick one.
Of course, your preferences may also change at different times. If you are really struggling to decide, try thinking about which ones you could live without and use a process of elimination. Next, think about which of these your partner appreciates most – (consider which of these they ask for most or perhaps even which of these they complain about not getting).
Creating a wish list
If you have the time, (assuming you’re not reading this post with only 8 shopping hours to go), my best suggestion is to do this exercise together. It’s a great idea for a date. If you’re really daring, you could even try it on a first date.
Grab pen and paper for each of you, explain the categories and then write down your list in order – no peeking. Just for fun, try and guess what your partner has written first, before you share them with each other. Of course, this list doesn’t need to be restricted to the five categories above. For one thing, I think the “physical touch” category is better broken down into Sexual and Non-sexual touch. For some people, it is a massage without the “happy ending” that would really mean the most, whereas for others, they would feel most loved being on the receiving end of an expression of unbridled passion. Feel free to add things of your own like “Bring me flowers”.
Do you see where this is going?
If you apply this logic to the holiday gift-giving dilemma, you suddenly have many other possibilities to choose from as a gift, since for many people, the gift of “I will spend the weekend helping you clean out the basement” would be actually worth way more than any of the things you are considering buying.
It’s the thought that counts
But just because it’s not a physical gift, it doesn’t mean you can skimp on the presentation.
You could buy a little wooden box to place your love poem in or you might like to create a personalized gift card, or series of vouchers especially tailored to your beloved’s desires. Now you’re scoring points and saving money – that’s what I call a “win-win”. And as a bonus, if you’ve done this exercise together, you will notice that your partner now knows exactly what would make you happy this holiday season! At the holidays, it’s easy to get caught up in the commercialism, but if you remember the real reason behind your desire to give this person a gift, you’ll have a much better chance of successfully achieving your goal. After all, it is the thought that counts.
(Photo credit: Portrait of a girl sitting and looking at a gift box from Shutterstock)
Mirabai Galashan MTh. helps people make the most of every day of their lives. She is a hospice chaplain, healer and teacher who works with individuals, couples and groups, offering counseling, coaching and holistic healing. Mirabai has a masters in Spirituality and Health over 20 years' experience as a professional practitioner of complementary therapies. Learn more at http://mirabaigalashan.com.
Ten Tips for Tremendous First Dates
Nov 17th
Photo credit: jrodmanjr (CC BY-NC-ND 2.0)
For many people, the prospect of a first date inspires more anxiety than eager anticipation. Where to go? What to wear? What to say? Will they be hot? What if they’re not?
With so much unknown, it makes sense to be smart about the things you can control. So here are some tips to give you a head start.
1. Location, location, location
The first rule of real estate is just as applicable to first dates. If you are lucky enough (– or unlucky enough – depending on your perspective) to be choosing where to go, avoid the temptation to come up with a “unique” idea and instead choose a familiar place or environment in which you are comfortable.
It makes sense to entertain in your natural habitat; you’ll feel at your best and will exude confidence which can be a great aphrodisiac.
2. Packaging
Sometimes the date will dictate the dress code, but other dates — like coffee on a weekend morning — offer a lot more room for interpretation. I’m personally in favor of erring on the side of over-dressing – but not to the extent that you put on something you would never normally wear. Whatever you’re wearing, it goes without saying that it needs to be clean. As do you.
If it’s an after work date and you won’t be able to go home, bring a change of clothes with you. If you have access to a suitable bathroom at work, freshen up there. If you are a member of a gym, perhaps you could take a shower there first. As an absolute minimum, always brush your teeth.
3. Review the research
On the day before the date, take a few minutes to review what you know about this person to date. If you found them online, print out their profile and review any emails or phone conversations you have had. If you get very nervous about what you will talk about, you might want to go so far as to think of some subject areas or even specific questions to bring up on the date.
4. Timing
Never be late to a first date. Aim to get there 20 minutes before you actually want to arrive, it’s better to have some time to kill before you make a leisurely entrance than to be rushing and stressing.
If it’s a blind date or you are worried about recognizing the person, arrive extra early, that way you can get comfortable with a drink and let them find you.
5. Smile
Smile! Science shows that consciously smiling will make you feel happier. So start by smiling rather than waiting for something to make you smile and you will get things off to a good start.
6. Be Curious
Make sure that you ask as many questions as you answer. Don’t fall in to the trap of talking about yourself all night. Even if your date is skillfully interviewing or strategically interrogating you, step in and turn the tables, they may just be waiting to see how long it will take you to seize the reins.
7. Be Authentic
Whilst it can be tempting to play the role of the person you would like to be on a first date, have a little faith that the real you is loveable and be authentic.
8. Stay in the present
That means no talking about past relationships and no getting ahead of yourself into the fantasy future with this date. Your goal should be to have an enjoyable couple of hours getting to know someone new.
9. Be honest
Be honest with yourself as well as your date. If you know that something about your date is an absolute deal breaker for you, you may as well find out about it now and save everyone some time.
Hopefully, your date will be able to read your signals, but in the worst case scenario where they are saying they are so happy to have found you at last and you are thinking, “check please!”, resist the urge to skirt the issue and gently let them know that you’re not feeling a connection.
10 .Have Fun
Make your sofa miss you – have a blast! As to whether to kiss (or sleep together, or anywhere in between) on a first date – that’s really up to you. But as a general rule, on a first date, I suggest you should always aim to leave them wanting something more.
If all else fails, as you crash and burn, take comfort that the worst dates make the most entertaining stories for your friends and if you have really bad luck with first dates, you may end up with enough material to try a new career in stand up comedy.
Above all try to relax and enjoy yourself. After all, this is supposed to be fun! One of the best ways to take the pressure off the date is to consider that what you are doing is going out to meet someone who may turn out to be friends with the perfect person for you.
Mirabai Galashan MTh. helps people make the most of every day of their lives. She is a hospice chaplain, healer and teacher who works with individuals, couples and groups, offering counseling, coaching and holistic healing. Mirabai has a masters in Spirituality and Health over 20 years' experience as a professional practitioner of complementary therapies. Learn more at http://mirabaigalashan.com.
How to Avoid Burn Out: 10 Symptoms of Severe Stress
Oct 11th
Each individual has a unique tolerance level for how much physical and emotional stress they can endure before something starts to give. Far too often people ignore the warning signs that their stress levels are becoming unmanageable and it takes a crisis of some kind to get them to change.
The speeding ticket from God
A couple of years ago I was rushing to work and made the split-second decision to keep going through a light when I knew very well that it was going to turn red. Moments later I was pulled over by an irate cop and on the receiving end of the full extent of his wrath along with a major ticket. As I waited for him to return to my car, I started to cry, not with frustration or self-pity but out of sheer relief that I hadn’t caused an accident.
The irony of this story was that I was on my way to give a seminar about how to manage stress and avoid burnout. I felt so profoundly grateful that I had received a wake up call without hurting someone else in the process. It really seemed like an enormous blessing in disguise and ever since then I have referred to this occasion as the time I received a speeding ticket from God.
My wish for you is that you don’t wait until something goes wrong or until your health begins to suffer to pay attention.
Watch for the symptoms
Excessive stress manifests physically and emotionally in a variety of ways. Here is a list of some common ones.
- Change in appetite. Losing or gaining weight is often a clear indicator that things are getting out of hand. Food may lose it’s appeal, or if you are like many people, you may find yourself downing too many of what I like to call “consolation calories”. If you notice that you have a stress-activated sweet tooth, you may be seeking comfort. If it is more generalized over consumption, you maybe trying to stuff your feelings down along with the extra food.
- Drinking etc. Monitor your alcohol consumption, that goes for any drug of your choice – including the more subtle forms of escapism like excess TV watching.
- Sleep. Losing sleep or can’t get enough of it; either way you will notice that you are feeling tired all the time. Ironically, increased exercise will give you more energy and creating soothing bedtime routines may also help.
- Tolerance. One of the more unpleasant side-effects of your stress for those around you is a decreased level of patience. Notice if you find yourself snapping at people; for me how I react to drivers cutting me off is a great litmus test.
- Memory. Short term memory problems can also be an indicator of stress. Concentration can also be affected.
- Getting sick. Stress has a direct effect on your immune system. More frequent colds can sometimes reveal that your body is taking notice before your mind.
- Clumsiness. “Less Haste, More Speed.” I find that I become more clumsy and less coordinated when very stressed, although it’s hard to discern how much of this is due to rushing.
- Relationships. For an instant reality check on your stress level, ask the people closest to you. They will be able to inform you whether you have been neglecting them and also whether they think you have been taking your stress out on them.
- Humor. How often are you laughing and smiling? If you can’t remember the last time, you have definitely been taking life too seriously for too long.
- Futility. A sense of hopelessness about what feels like endless burdens and a lack of purpose can also be clues.
This list is just a starting point.
Some of these may seem irrelevant or conversely, glaringly obvious. You might be able to come up with three of four more that I haven’t even mentioned right off the bat. You are the expert. The most important thing is that you start to become more conscious of how you are doing before you reach breaking point.
Start to develop your own list of red flags and warning signs, so you can take evasive action and avoid burning out.
Mirabai Galashan MTh. helps people make the most of every day of their lives. She is a hospice chaplain, healer and teacher who works with individuals, couples and groups, offering counseling, coaching and holistic healing. Mirabai has a masters in Spirituality and Health over 20 years' experience as a professional practitioner of complementary therapies. Learn more at http://mirabaigalashan.com.
Naming Elephants: 10 Ways To Use Radical Honesty to Improve Your Relationship
Sep 22nd
When it comes to relationships, I believe that honesty is always the best policy. Not merely remaining faithful. Not in the sense of being able to say that you never really lie to your partner. I’m talking about Radical Honesty; actually coming out and naming the elephants in the room so you can deal with them before they trample all over your relationship.
Radical Honesty requires that you speak your truth even when you feel sure that the other person won’t want to hear it. Radical Honesty means that you have to say how you really feel, especially when you believe that you could either avoid x or conversely make y happen by hiding these feelings from them. It is a commitment to authenticity that requires being true to yourself as much as being loyal to another.
How long can you pretend to be someone else?
If you lack an intrinsic sense of self-worth you may be tempted to censor yourself; to try to express yourself in terms of what would be acceptable or desirable to someone else. In the short-term, you may even be successful in your goals. But, realistically speaking, just how long can you pretend to be someone else? And do you really want to be in a relationship with someone that you don’t believe could love you as you really are?
Whilst the idea of being “strategic” is a popular one when it comes to dating, it doesn’t feel so warm and fuzzy to think that one partner actively manipulated the other into committing to the relationship. Is that really a good way to build a foundation for a trusting relationship?
“I wouldn’t want to be a member of any club that would have me”
Your degree of reluctance to do this may be a gauge of how much or how little you love and accept yourself. In the words of Groucho Marx,
“I wouldn’t want to be a member of any club that would have me.”
If deep down you think you are “too much” or if there is any suspicion that there might “be something wrong” with you, of course you are going to imagine that everyone else is as turned off by you as you are.
However, if you dare to share the sadness and longing that you are so embarrassed to admit, you may discover that other people come closer instead of abandoning you as you might have imagined. Just maybe it’s you – not them – that finds your vulnerability so unlovable. It could be your tendency to abandon yourself that you are projecting onto others. Ironically, it could be what pushes people away is not your weakness but how you act you when you are trying to hide it.
Giving up control
All of this radical honesty requires a fundamental attitude shift and that is giving up the idea that you can control anyone or anything other than your own reactions. I find the more intelligent people are, the harder they find this to do. They quickly succumb to the trap of thinking that if they only try hard enough or think about it long enough or read the right book, they can figure it out.
In addition, you may have more difficulty with this if during your childhood you learned to try to predict or change the behavior of an unpredictable parent with your actions. This learned survival skill, combined with having a deficit of emotional security, is the reason that many people grow up to expend so much energy trying to control things. It doesn’t come from a malicious desire to manipulate in order to wield power; it’s a coping mechanism designed to try and make the world a safer place.
The illusion is that somewhere out there is something you could say or do which would be the guarantee that everything will be alright. Searching for it can drive you crazy. How much easier is it to simply speak your truth without attachment to the reactions you may receive?
Ten tips to get you started
- Don’t let resentment build, deal with issues one at a time and as soon as they arise
- Stop trying to control or manipulate your partner’s feelings or actions
- Share your hopes, dreams and wishes
- Share your fears
- Be honest with yourself
- Share your vulnerability instead of your anger
- Express your disappointment gently
- Check that you both have signed on to the same contract (Explain what you think the unwritten rules are)
- Admit when you don’t know what to do
- Admit it when you think you may have made a mistake
Radical honesty can be magically healing but it must always be used with respect. Remember that coming from a place of vulnerability instead of blame invites your partner to look for a solution with you.
Mirabai Galashan MTh. helps people make the most of every day of their lives. She is a hospice chaplain, healer and teacher who works with individuals, couples and groups, offering counseling, coaching and holistic healing. Mirabai has a masters in Spirituality and Health over 20 years' experience as a professional practitioner of complementary therapies. Learn more at http://mirabaigalashan.com.
How Many People are in Your Relationship?
Sep 6th
"flickr Relationships" from |G|™ on flickr
You may not be aware of this, but the two of you are not the only people involved in your relationship. In fact, you may be in a minority when it comes to who is actually running the show. Each time you begin afresh, all dewy-eyed about a shiny, new relationship, your subconscious is inviting a whole bunch of people to the party.
Your Inner Child
To begin with, there are the children. No, not the actual children. I’m talking about your inner children. That part of you that still feels the way you did when you were little. The part of you that reacts to the present based on the experiences of the past. The part of you that makes decisions based on the opinions you formed about the world and what you could expect from the people in it at an impressionable age.
Not that being in touch with your inner child is always a bad thing, being able to play and have adventures is a fantastic trait to have at any age. But the flip side comes when you’re unconsciously re-playing situations that mirror the less fun stuff that you may have had to deal with.
If your parents were anything less than ideal in every way (and 99.9% would fall into that category), you probably had some needs that they didn’t fulfill. Depending on the seriousness of those unmet needs, you might discover that they are closely related to the issues you find most challenging in your relationships today. When conflict arises, a quick and easy test is to ask yourself whether the feeling you are having – aside from the circumstances of the current situation – is at all familiar. If it is, see if you can think back to the first time in your life that you ever experienced that feeling.
Another clue is to notice whether it seems like you are falling into familiar patterns of behavior, either within an individual relationship or with different people. Pay close attention whenever you find yourself starting sentences with “You always…” or “You never”. This is actually always a bad idea, since it heaps additional energy from past resentments on to the current situation. But leaving that aside, it can be a helpful clue as to what your core issues are.
Of course, it’s not always about your childhood (now that I’m a mother, I’m a little more reluctant to always lay the blame at the parents’ door). You may have had a fantastic childhood with spectacularly perfect relationships with both your mother and father. You may then have gone on to meet and marry your childhood sweetheart with nary a cross word between you. If you did, may I be the first to congratulate you and ask you to please contact your local media because I’m sure we’d all like to meet you.
Past Relationships
But seriously, this may have nothing to do with your parents and everything to do with the first, second and third schmuck who broke your heart. The point is that you need to be aware of whether the issue that you are dealing with is really about your current partner or if it’s just a button they are pushing that was built and installed by someone else entirely.
If you and your partner are emotionally intelligent, you may be able to share this kind of realization with each other. Not in the “You know why I hate you, because you’re just like every other wo/man” sense, but more in the “I’ve just realized that this is not entirely about what’s going on here with us, I think it may be related to…” way. If the thought of doing this makes you feel like you want to throw up, I would suggest you stop trying to work this out with them and go deal with the original issue, by yourself or with a friend or therapist.
To sum it all up, when things start to get heated, it may be worth checking under the bed of your subconscious to ensure that you guys are really alone. Throw out any other people you find, lock the doors and resolve to figure it out together. If you make a conscious effort to deal only with the stuff that actually belongs to each other, in the here and now, you’ll find yourself more able to quickly and easily resolve any differences and get back to the serious business of being in love.
Mirabai Galashan MTh. helps people make the most of every day of their lives. She is a hospice chaplain, healer and teacher who works with individuals, couples and groups, offering counseling, coaching and holistic healing. Mirabai has a masters in Spirituality and Health over 20 years' experience as a professional practitioner of complementary therapies. Learn more at http://mirabaigalashan.com.
Breaking Up is Hard to do – 20 Questions to Help You Know When it’s Time to Let go
Aug 29th
Do you remember the story about the new prisoner on the block? He is settling in nervously on the first night of his sentence, when he hears a series of numbers yelled out, each one followed by raucous laughter from his fellow inmates. Nervously, he asks his cell-mate what is going on. The cell-mate replies, “That’s the lifers, they have been in here so long that they have heard all of each others’ jokes, so rather than telling the joke, to save time they just shout out the joke’s number.” If your friends and family could tell this joke to describe how you talk about your relationship issues, you might want to read this post.
But seriously, breaking up is hard to do and inspires procrastination in the best of us. The writing may have been on the wall for months or even years, yet the exit out of a relationship can be a painstakingly slow process. Even without marriage and children in the mix, wrestling with the dilemma of when to hold and when to fold is often painful.
There are times when it may be blindingly obvious to everyone around you that it’s time to walk away, yet you still need to come to your own conclusion. The exception to this rule is if there is any kind of violent or abusive behavior taking place. In this case you need to get help and get yourself away and to safety immediately.
Loyalty, commitment and a willingness to work through difficult times are all valuable qualities to bring to any relationship but it’s good to be aware that these virtues can also sometimes work against us and cause us to prolong the suffering by clinging to a relationship long after it has ceased to be good for us. At times like this it’s great to have kind and patient friends who can support you along the way. But most important, is to give yourself some space and time to really explore what you are thinking and feeling. As one of my wise friends says,
“You’re not done ‘til you’re done and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, because only when you know you’re done will it really be over and when you’re done, you’ll know it.”
Sometimes it’s helpful to ask yourself a series of questions. Journaling your responses may allow you to go deeper still, in search of the clarity you need. Here are some to start you off.
1) What am I afraid of?
Get really honest with your answers here, – some of the most common are, the fear of being alone, fear of what other people will think and fear of making a mistake.
2) Are those realistic fears?
Once you have listed your fears, go through the list one by one and ask yourself how realistic they are.
3) If I wasn’t scared that x,y,z might happen– what would I do?
Next, taking each fear in turn, ask yourself how your course of action might be influenced if this fear wasn’t a factor.
4) Am in love with this person, or the person I wish they were? (aka The Imaginary Boyfriend)?
This questions deals with the perennial problem of falling in love with the potential.
5) If I could get an email from myself ten years from now, what advice might it have?
This is another good trick to get a different perspective on the problem and to get in touch with the inner wisdom we all have. My thanks to Havi Brooks for inspiring this one with her dialogues with her “slightly future me”.
6) Is this relationship bringing out the best in me?
Take a look at the person you have become in relation to who you were before. Do you like the comparison?
7) Have I given my best?
It’s always easier to come to closure when you can honestly say that you gave it 100%.
8) Should it be this much work?
What does this relationship add to your quality of life?
9) Do I make excuses for or justify my partner’s behavior towards me?
Your friends and family will be able to fill you in here.
10) How would I feel about my little sister/brother/daughter/son being in this situation?
This one may surprise you, it’s often a little shocking to see the standards we will tolerate for ourselves compared to what we think the people we love deserve.
11) What have I learned from this relationship?
What have you learned about what works and what doesn’t work for you?
12) What haven’t I learned from this relationship?
Where are you stuck?
13) Is this a familiar pattern?
Have you seen this all before? What do you need to do to take responsibility for doing it differently from now on?
14) Have I honestly expressed what it is that I want without trying to hide my vulnerability or blaming or judging?
It’s hard to ask for what we really want when we are scared we won’t get it but everyone deserves the opportunity to hear requests kindly and clearly.
15) Do I think I can love this person in the way they deserve to be loved?
Let’s turn the tables for a second, can you give your partner everything they have a right to receive?
16) If this is all there is, will it be enough?
It’s a great test to ask whether if nothing changes. Could you really be happy with this person?
17) If I weren’t angry, how would it change things?
When we have had our needs unmet for a while, resentment can build to the point of rage and obscure rational thought.
18) If I forgave my partner, what difference would it make?
To err is human, but to forgive is divine. One of my favorite quotes says that refusing to forgive is like continually drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. If your partner has done something or many things that have hurt you, ask yourself what might happen if you gave them a fresh slate?
19) If I forgave myself what difference would it make?
Self-compassion can be a wonderful vehicle for growth and clarity, if yesterday didn’t exist at all, would you still feel the way you do?
20) If today was my last – would I regret ending or not having ended the relationship more?
Finally, this question raises the stakes a little and challenges any sense of complacency. It can give you a real sense of perspective, by asking how you might do things differently if you knew you wouldn’t have another chance.
Try these questions out or add and subtract your own and don’t forget to trust your inner knowing. Deep down, you know what’s best for you.
Good Luck.
Mirabai Galashan MTh. helps people make the most of every day of their lives. She is a hospice chaplain, healer and teacher who works with individuals, couples and groups, offering counseling, coaching and holistic healing. Mirabai has a masters in Spirituality and Health over 20 years' experience as a professional practitioner of complementary therapies. Learn more at http://mirabaigalashan.com.
From Nag To Shag – The Ultimate Marriage Hack For Men
Aug 3rd
Why are we so fascinated by all those worst-case scenario survival tips about situations that are as statistically unlikely to happen to us as winning the lottery? Some of those tips seem more useful than others, take Wikihow’s guide to surviving a shark attack.
Step 1) Remain Calm.” Hmm, calm during shark attack? Not so much.
Or this advice on what to do if attacked by a bear, courtesy of the Tongass National Forest: Forest Facts webpage,
“If a bear actually makes contact, surrender! Fall to the ground and play dead….” So far, so good, I think I could do that. Now what?
“… If the bear continues biting you long after you assume a defensive posture, it likely is a predatory attack.” Ya think?
In any case, I’m not sure that my playing dead performance could survive the distraction of being repeatedly bitten by a bear.
How about some more useful advice? Something that there is a good chance of you actually needing and employing? Like what to do when confronted by a nagging wife? Not unlike the famous Supreme Court Justice quote about pornography, nagging is hard to define, but you know it when you see it. It’s the bane of husbands everywhere. So what should you do in this commonplace worst-case marriage scenario?
- Remain Calm
Imagine yourself as the pilot of a large plane or a secret forces special operative and try to remember that all emergencies are better handled without panic. Inhale slowly and deeply and as you exhale make a conscious attempt to relax your muscles. - Remove head from sand (or elsewhere)
Much like throwing up, these marital skirmishes are always worse in the miserable anticipation. You may be thinking ‘I’d rather stick pins in my eyes than talk about our relationship’ and hoping that if you can just avoid the situation long enough, she’ll forget about it. Whilst that certainly is a popular strategy, its chances of success rank about the same of the plight of Mr. Ostrich, head hidden in the sand, hoping the lioness can’t see him. - Stand your ground.
Gird your manly loins and resist the urge to run away. Either literally, by avoiding the situation or figuratively by allowing your brain to escape whilst your body remains in the firing line. Retreat is almost always a futile endeavor in these situations and can often make things worse as it provokes a more energetic pursuit. Whilst you may be able to outrun your pursuer initially, never under-estimate her persistence; you’re going to have to sleep eventually. - Face your fear
It’s always a tactically sound move not to turn you back on the enemy. But this advice means more than that. It means figuring out for yourself what your resistance is about. Two of the most common are, fear of losing your freedom and/or fear of being shamed. Even when they are convinced their wives has the most unreasonable demands that will never be satisfied by anyone, men rarely like to feel they have failed to deliver. Once you’ve figured out what your real fear is, check out if it’s rational. If it seems likely that your fear could actually transpire, retreat immediately to safety. If not… - Be assertive
If you really want to stop her hounding you, stop running. Women are much more satisfied with 100% of you 50% of the time than they will ever be with 50% of you 100%. Ducking and diving is a recipe for disaster. Rather than trying to evade the issue, stand in your power and say what you can and want to do and then do it. Keeping your word builds trust. Trust defuses nagging. As in business, always under-promise and over-deliver. The irony is that if you actually give her the attention and connection that she is craving, she’s almost certainly going to stop needing to talk about not getting it. Imagine that! - Camouflage
See beyond the teeth and claws. Remember that it’s never about the X. It’s about her need to feel connected, respected, cared for, cherished and desired. You need to pay very close attention to what she is actually saying and yet, even more importantly what is she really wanting. - Shock and awe
This is not for the faint of heart, but as they say, faint heart never won fair lady. Do the unexpected. Move towards the roar! Instead of getting defensive or giving the cold shoulder, try disarming her with charm. If your sense of humor is something she fell in love with, goof it up. If you can manage to get her to crack a smile, it’s all over. If fancy footwork is more your style, swoop in and spin or dip her. Scoop her into your arms and give her a gentle squeeze. If nothing else, reach out and touch her, gently. It’s hard to stay angry when you’re being held.
In conclusion, gentlemen, I give you the number one marriage hack of all time – Love the lioness and see how quickly she turns back into a happy kitty-cat.
The disclaimer. Men, there are no guarantees here, I offer you hope, rather than miracles with a reminder that these techniques are intended for use against common or garden nagging, they are not a get-out-of-jail card to deal with any serious offences you may have committed against the institution of marriage. Employ them at your own risk!
Mirabai Galashan MTh. helps people make the most of every day of their lives. She is a hospice chaplain, healer and teacher who works with individuals, couples and groups, offering counseling, coaching and holistic healing. Mirabai has a masters in Spirituality and Health over 20 years' experience as a professional practitioner of complementary therapies. Learn more at http://mirabaigalashan.com.