Achieve more in life.
Geoff Peart
This user hasn't shared any biographical information
Homepage: http://www.lifehack.org
Posts by Geoff Peart
The 12 Golden Rules of Great Conversation: Part 2
Dec 6th
This is a continuation of the 2 part series “The 12 Golden Rules of Great Conversation.”
7. Great playfulness
What do all great conversationalists have in common? They know how to play with the conversation. They can make their conversation fun. They do not take everything literally or seriously.
If you are with a friend, and you get up to use the restroom, and they ask you, “where are you going?” You don’t always have to respond, “To the restroom.”
Instead, you could say something less predictable and more playful, like, “it’s a secret…” or a sarcastic “I’m leaving, I’m sick of your attitude” or “who wants to know?” or “I’m going to go buy that girl a drink…not really, I’m not that cool.”
Introducing play to a conversation opens the door for them to play along. For example, you might tell your spouse, “I’m going for a run…I’ll be back soon…” and if you add a fanciful hypothetical like, “unless I collapse from heat exhaustion…” or “unless I get attacked by stray dogs,” it becomes playful.
This opens the door for them to play along with something like, “Okay…just in case, how much is your life insurance policy worth again?” or “If I don’t see you back in 20 minutes then I’ll call the search and rescue team to come find you.”
Great conversationalists don’t always speak in literal terms such as, “the printer isn’t working well today.” Instead, they may apply a fun metaphor, like, “The printer is being temperamental today” or “I’m currently fighting a battle with the printer… and the printer is winning. I might need reinforcements…”
8. Great interest in them
This is one of the easiest paths to great conversation (but many people don’t seem to take it very seriously). It goes beyond just listening to their long story about the time they outran a grizzly bear in Virginia. It’s about asking follow up questions. It’s about making comments about the events that they are describing. It’s about giving them attention and allowing the conversation to center on them and their interests. Be excited for them when they tell you that they just received a promotion. Sympathize with them when they tell you that they just lost their wallet. Be interested in what is happening in their life.
As the great Dale Carnegie once said,
“The best way to be likeable is to be interested in the other person.”
9. Great questions
What’s the secret to maintaining a conversation?
Ask great questions.
Great questions are not always literal and information-seeking. If you’re out to lunch with your friend and ask, “How’s your job going?” – that’s a basic information-seeking question, and you’ll probably receive a basic answer such as, “It’s good.” Upgrade your conversation by thinking outside the box and taking a fun approach, like, “Have they made you CEO yet?” or “Is your boss still keeping you in that hamster cage?” These questions may appear playful on the surface, but they can still contain real inquiries about real topics.
The literal questions can steer a conversation to different topics, but the fun questions can keep the conversation playful and entertaining. Fun questions are often rhetorical in nature and don’t always seek a genuine response. They are meant to introduce playfulness to the conversation so it doesn’t become stuck in serious-land.
Maybe you see a coworker coming out of the building with a computer monitor. Instead of a literal, “What are you doing with that?” you could ask a playful hypothetical question, “Stealing office equipment again, huh?” Now that you’ve introduced a playful element, they may play along, with something to extent of, “You caught me!…hey are you looking for a monitor? 10 bucks and it’s yours!”
10. Great responses
Great conversation is like a great tennis match. If someone asks a poor conversationalist how their weekend was, they often reply with, “It was good.”
Merely answering a question is not enough for great conversation. After answering, it’s your turn to hit the tennis ball back so the conversation can keep going. Offer your tennis partner something to play with (something to respond to). After saying, “it was good,” provide a reason why it was good, offer an example or share a story. Talk about how you feel about it. Then even ask a question back.
It’s also important to match their energy. Did they just have a baby? Share in their joy! Act excited, ask them follow up questions.
Great responses are sometimes playful. Maybe they complain to you, “My fingers are so cold…” And you could respond with something boring like, “that’s too bad.” Or you could offer something playful,
“You’re always cold. Maybe it’s a medical condition. I think your blood vessels actually stop at your wrists and don’t go up into your fingers.”
and then they may play back,
“Maybe you’re right. That’s why my fingers are always blue. I should probably get checked out.”
11. Great stories
It’s not easy to entertain groups of people with interesting stories. The good news is that stories don’t have to be Pulitzer-Prize worthy for your listeners to enjoy them. In fact, some of the best stories are simple stories about every day events that may describe a unique twist or occurrence.
Stories do not need to be elaborate and long. Did your pet dog accidently nibble on your new shoes? Did your toddler throw up at the grocery store? These events can make great stories, and most stories can be squeezed into 30 seconds.
Great stories have some common characteristics. Make it a goal to include some or all of these story parts in your next story:
Setup: For example, “That reminds me, I was just at that store two days ago and I saw the strangest thing.”
Contrast against what normally occurs: “I was watching this movie and I figured it was just going to be some boring “chick-flick”, but…”
or
“…and normally they would just get up and leave, but this time they…”
Details: Details add color and imagery to any story. Instead of, “and some girl bumped into me…”
try
“and some heroin-addict looking girl bumped into me…”
Dialogue: Always add dialogue when you can. It’s easy and entertaining. “I was like, ‘When is this party going to end? This guy is so creepy!”
Reaction: “He bought me lunch… and I was stunned, I couldn’t believe it!”
Turning Point: Great stories have turning points, like, “It was that moment where I felt…”
Post Commentary: Don’t forget to comment about your story, “If it wasn’t for Joe, I don’t know where we’d be right now! Probably stuck in a ditch somewhere.”
Limiting your story to 20 – 30 seconds may not seem like much time, but if they want to hear more, they will let you know!
12. Great initiative
Great conversation can only occur when at least two people are taking initiative. One sided conversations are never “great.” Simply responding to someone talking with, “oh yeah,” or “that’s neat,” or “I like it too,” is not a great conversation.
State your opinions more often. “Wow, she needs to put down the mascara,” or “This is my favorite Italian restaurant of all time,” or “You look kind of like a homeless man today.”
It also helps to add some superlative or definitive statements as well. They are simply more interesting than wishy-washy, passive statements. For example:
“That’s the best coffee I’ve ever had…I can’t believe it’s so cheap.”
“Easily one of the top five movies I’ve seen this year.”
“I always read XYZ, it’s the only magazine that I fully trust.”
And when you can, go beyond just stating your opinion. Add support. Add some commentary. For example:
Opinion: “I’m excited to try this place.”
Support: “I’ve heard great things. I actually haven’t had Italian in a long time. I’ve been on a Chinese kick lately.”
Commentary: “I actually think my kitchen is starting to permanently smell like Chinese food!”
Conclusion
It’s important to remember that developing conversation skills is a lifelong journey. If you always aim to be perfect, you will lose out on the most important rule of them all; have fun.
(Photo credit: Conversation courtesy of Shutterstock)
Geoff Peart, M.Ed., is the author of the blog, mysocialupgrade.com, where people can learn how to improve their social skills and their lives. All of the content is free and updated weekly.
The 12 Golden Rules of Great Conversation: Part 1 of 2
Sep 26th
Golden Rules of Conversation
All great conversations share common elements. Familiarize yourself with each of the 12 Golden Rules, and you will improve your interpersonal communication skills immediately. More >
Defend Against Any Bully in 2 Simple Steps
Sep 13th
Verbal Bully
If bullies were actually like Nelson from the Simpsons, they would be easy to avoid. Unfortunately, most of the verbal abuse you will ever experience in life will come from co-workers, friends, or family. The people you like or love are often the worst offenders, whether they meant to or not. Even worse, most of the verbal attacks will not be obvious or cutting, but instead, they will be subtle and sarcastic. Individually, small verbal stings may not feel painful, but over time, these stings can take a toll on your confidence, stress levels, and relationships.
You won’t have time to analyze the attack and think about how to defend against it. That’s why it is important to have a response ready for any type of attack in any situation. The following two steps will show you how:
Step 1: Remove Yourself from the Role of a Victim
You may be confronted with a snide remark such as, “Are you always this absent-minded?”
How would you respond? Would you become defensive and say, “I am not absent-minded!”?
Many of us would be caught in the moment and become defensive. Some of us would freeze and say nothing. But the last thing you want to do is respond directly to their attack and give them the response they were looking for.
Your best initial move is to remove yourself from the position of the “victim.” Place yourself above the attack. Act like it doesn’t bother you. Step outside of the attack altogether and comment about the content of the attack itself (this is sometimes referred to as Meta-Talk). Talk about what they said or how they said it.
Let’s take a closer look at some example defenses:
“Stupid? Is that the best adjective you could come up with?”
“Wow, that was so clever…how do you keep coming up with such great jokes?” (sarcasm)
“That sounded like it was meant to insult me…”
“The way you said that was kind of child-ish, did you mean to say it like that?”
“Absent-minded? That’s a strong choice of words wouldn’t you say?”
“Wow, you sound so bitter…maybe you should go take a break for a minute.”
“You’re still hung up on pointing out my flaws, let’s try to move away from that and get down to the real issue.”
These defenses accomplish four primary objectives:
- It demonstrates to the attacker (and the audience), that the attack did not bother you
- It implies that you do not place much value on what the attacker says
- It implies that future attacks will not affect you either
- In case the attacker did not mean to attack you, this defense makes them aware that they crossed over the line
By vocally analyzing and dismantling their phrase or their delivery, you can take away its power and place yourself above the role of a “victim.” If you step outside the attack, it becomes impossible to be hit by the attack itself. In fact, not only are you avoiding the attack, but this type of defense can simultaneously mock the attacker at the same time.
If you’re faced with a relentless bully, you may want to add Step Two to your arsenal. Not only do you want to avoid their stings, but you want to make them think twice about attacking you again in the future.
Step 2: Place the Target Back On the Attacker
After you dodge the bullet, your next order of business is to shift the focus back on to your attacker. Not much good ever comes from keeping the focus on yourself when a verbal war is being waged.
An easy way to place the target back on the attacker is by exposing their intentions. You may be poor at comebacks and witty repartees, but that’s the beauty of questioning the attacker’s intentions – everyone has an intention. You don’t need to know some special information or come up with a clever remark in order to complete this type of defense.
A bully may state, “You’re always so defensive.”
A poor conversationalist would take the bait and respond, “No I’m not!”
Instead, expose the source with one of these lines:
“Were you trying to be funny just then? I wasn’t sure…”
“Why are you trying so hard to point that out? Do you need attention?”
“Are you trying to make me act defensive? Because it’s not going to work.”
“Are you obsessed with ________? Can’t you think of something else?”
“Do you really think you can persuade me to ______?”
“Do you always side with ______?”
“Are you always this angry?”
“Oh, you’re trying to be funny now, huh?”
“You think you’re pretty clever don’t you?”
These verbal defenses can easily throw your attacker off balance. When you question someone’s intentions in this manner, it can be very hard to come up with a good response. And if they do manage a successful response, you can go back to Step 1 and make a comment about it!
It’s important to note that the two tips will be rendered useless if you become defensive or over-react. Thomas Jefferson wisely said, “Nothing gives a person so much advantage over another as to remain always cool and unruffled under all circumstances.” That is still true today. The person who seems to maintain their composure always has the edge. If you can remain cool, calm, and collected during a verbal battle, you will always have the upper hand.
Geoff Peart, M.Ed., is the author of the blog, mysocialupgrade.com, where people can learn how to improve their social skills and their lives. All of the content is free and updated weekly.
Don’t Let These 4 Habits Ruin Your Conversations
Aug 26th
Bad Habits Can Ruin Conversations
Why didn’t he call me back? Why didn’t she laugh at my joke? Why don’t they want to hang out again?
Do you ever get the feeling that maybe something you did or said sabotaged your conversation (or worse, your relationship!?).
In a perfect world, we could all take the Conversation Skills Assessment Aggregator 2000 and it would spit out a printed analysis of our entire communication profile. It would detail our every strength and weakness, our every good and bad habit, and even our conversation style. Maybe it would even make polite suggestions for you in a British accent.
Luckily, you have a good friend who always advises you on your conversation habits. Oh, you don’t? Neither do I. If we are making a conversation mistake, most of us will never find out. People will just choose not to talk to us as much. You may not think anything of it.
You may not have a friend or a machine that can politely make suggestions, but there are very common conversation mistakes you can look out for. With a little self reflection and self awareness, you can at least ensure that you are not damaging your conversations and relationships any further.
Let’s look more closely at four of the bad habits:
1. Are You a Parrot?
Do you find yourself just paraphrasing or repeating what the other person said? If they say, “that was a cool movie!” do you say, “Yeah, that was a really cool movie!”? Parrots act like they are having a conversation, but in reality, they rarely actually offer anything substantive. Parrots rely on echoing and paraphrasing others.
Suggestion: If you find yourself just echoing what they are saying, try to offer substantive opinions or observations as well.
2. Are You an Energy Vampire?
You may have fascinating stories and opinions to share, but if your energy cannot support the comments, people may find you hard to listen to. Lacking energy or emotion when you talk can ruin your conversation faster than almost any other bad habit. Good conversation is alive; good conversation flows with energy between the conversationalists. If you are not adding to the flow of energy, then you are probably subtracting from it.
Suggestions: Think of your voice as a roller coaster ride for your listeners. Are you creating a flat, boring ride? Try to make your roller coaster ride enjoyable for your particular audience; add some vocal drops, some inclines, and vary your speed. Vary your inflections and emphasize key words as well.
Also, record your voice in private. In fact, re-read this section in your normal voice and play it back. If you have never recorded yourself before, you’ll be surprised by what you hear!
3. Are You a Predictable Talker?
The Predictable Talker lives in the serious and literal world. If they get up to use the restroom, and you ask them where they are going, they will always respond, “to the restroom.” Everything they say is predictable; they’ll never surprise you with something unexpected. In contrast, a Playful Talker may respond to that question with a number of unpredictable playful responses. For example, “I thought I’d leave you with the bill,” or “I’m going to pickup that girl,” or “I’m trying to escape.” The best conversation is playful and unpredictable; Predictable Talkers have trouble playing!
Suggestion: Train your mind to start considering the unexpected responses. Next time someone asks you a question or makes a comment, mentally think about what response would be unexpected or unpredictable (within reason!). Once in a while, try one of these unexpected comments and see how you do. You may surprise yourself.
4. Are You a Conversation Narcissist?
Conversation Narcissists love nothing more than to talk about themselves. The only reason they ask the other person a question like, “How was your weekend?” is so they can circle it back around to them again, “that’s nice…let me tell you about what happened to me…” They rarely inquire seriously about the other person or ask follow up questions.
Suggestion: This is easy to fix, be genuinely interested in the other person. When someone tells you something, keep the focus on them, ask follow up questions, recall previous comments the person said, etc.
Geoff Peart, M.Ed., is the author of the blog, mysocialupgrade.com, where people can learn how to improve their social skills and their lives. All of the content is free and updated weekly.
Start a Conversation with a Stranger without Sounding Desperate
Aug 17th
Start a Conversation
You are at the bookstore, and you suddenly glimpse an attractive person near you in the same aisle. You would love to initiate conversation but you don’t want to come off as cheesy, pushy, or desperate. You are not alone. Luckily, there are three very natural tactics to break the ice without sounding cheesy, pushy, or desperate.
Ask a Help Question
Try playing dumb. For example, next time you’re at a coffee shop with your laptop, you can ask anyone near you the innocent question, “Is your internet working? Mine seems really slow…” You may have the fastest internet connection in the world, but that doesn’t matter. Your sole mission is to start the conversation. If you successfully ignite a conversation, in the end, no one will care or remember how it started.
These help questions work well because they are safe and give you permission to pop the bubble that exists between strangers. The other person won’t feel awkward responding to something so innocent (and you won’t feel awkward asking!). Additionally, these questions are easy to answer. The last thing you want to do is force the other person to answer a challenging question.
If they are interested in talking with you, you’ll know. If they respond with a terse, “Mine is fine” and look back down at their laptop, then you can take that as a closed door to conversation. If you receive a warm reception – even if they cannot help you – you have officially popped the bubble and are free to ask follow up questions. You could then follow up with, “Yours is? You’re lucky…maybe it’s just my computer… I really need to buy a new one…do you like your Toshiba?”
You get the idea.
Let’s look at a few more examples. Remember, you may know the answer, but that’s not the point!
At a convention or event: “This food looks good…do you think we can start eating yet?”
Near a festival: “I wonder what’s going on down there?”
Concert or convention: “Do you know when ____ is supposed to start?”
In the city: “Do you know where I can find a Verizon store around here? Mine is giving me issues…”
What are You Thinking?
If you prefer the more subtle route, you can try simple spoken out-loud comments. Next time you sit down in a public environment, trying saying something like, “Wow it’s cold in here…” or “I’m so glad this place has outlets…” Like the help question, these comments will never be remembered; they simply let others know that you are open to conversation. If someone else feels like talking as well, they will respond to your comment with their own comment (e.g. “Yeah, I was thinking that too.” or “Yeah I wonder if they are going to turn up the a/c anytime soon.”).
Find an Accomplice
What if you are not ready to fly solo? Sometimes it helps to find an accomplice for your ice breaking mission.
Go out with your friend, and start an interesting conversation near the stranger. Maybe you’re shopping for a shirt at your favorite retail outlet, and an attractive stranger is nearby. If you have an accomplice with you, then it’s natural to start a conversation about the shirt; talk about how you feel about it, how it looks, how much it costs, etc. It’s far easier to invite someone to join an existing conversation than to start from scratch. If you and your friend are debating whether to buy the tight red shirt versus the tight blue shirt, it’s a fairly easy segue to asking the stranger for their opinion.
Talking to strangers doesn’t have to cause a panic attack if you keep the approach low-key and low risk.
Geoff Peart, M.Ed., is the author of the blog, mysocialupgrade.com, where people can learn how to improve their social skills and their lives. All of the content is free and updated weekly.