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Dave Kaiser
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Homepage: http://www.lifehack.org
Posts by Dave Kaiser
Want Life to Be Easy? Get a System!
Mar 1st
Constantly planning and analyzing and evaluating is hand work. Having to figure it all out on the fly takes a lot of effort, and it chews up our precious supply of persistence and focus. Earlier articles have discussed the benefits of having a routine, and that’s good. I want to build on that and suggest having a system, especially one that is automated or outsourced…and can function without you.
A system is particularly important when you have lots of details to keep track of that are necessary to have and to eventually act on, but aren’t immediately necessary to do your work. In fact, they are usually in the way.
When you have to plan a marketing campaign and create a PowerPoint for a client, you want to be able to focus and not worry about follow-up emails to prospects. Yet you also want to know that all that will be handled when the time is right.
Enter: The System.
Let’s take the example of following up with prospective clients. Obviously, this is important, otherwise you never get new clients and you end up losing your business, taking a day job, and subsisting on rice and Ramen. Yuck.
But what do you do when you get a new lead? If you’re like many people (including yours truly up until a few months ago), you jotted it down in to-do lists or on an Excel spreadsheet or sticky notes and kicked it around until you closed the deal — if you ever did. Sadly, lots of leads got dropped due to poor tracking and follow through. In the same vein, each lead was treated as a special case, which required lots of thought and made it hard to compare the process and results across leads.
(Now I know why my hair is falling out.)
That’s insanely stressful, having to make up a new process all the time. At the very least, you should have a simple, reliable System, so that when you get a lead you can put the information into The System (even if it’s simply a well-maintained collection of manila folders). That way you have a plan so that, for example, on day 10 you send an email and day 20 you call and day 30 you send them a brochure. Now you can just DO, you don’t have to think (which takes work — and expends will and focus). Also, every so often you can review and analyze your System and the metrics it generates to look for opportunities for improvement.
Now Add a Zero…
A reliable manual system is a good thing to have. A person you can ask to do stuff for you is great as well, but when you introduce automation life gets fast and easy…and we like fast and easy, right?
I just got a shiny new CRM (Customer Relationship Management) service a little while ago. Now I have a single place to store prospect info. It calculates the value of my pipeline and projects cash flow, it reminds me to follow up on regular intervals, and it files correspondence according to the prospect’s email address. With a modest investment in set-up time, the thing now runs itself. Better yet, it tells me what to do so I can just do more with less work and pain…and that’s also what we all want, right?
And each time you systematize a business process, the effect is more than just cumulative — it’s multiplicative. If the systems actually integrate seamlessly (when your CRM, autoresponder, and billing system play nice with each other), then we’re talking exponential results for your efforts.
Okay, What Now?
So, look at your life and your work. Where is there lots of tasks (especially routine and mundane ones), data to be stored for later use, and steps to complete in a long drawn-out process? That’s where you can create a system.
You know, there’s probably an app for that…
(Photo credit: Close Up of Line of Dominoes via Shutterstock)
Why Joy Can Be Your Enemy
Feb 9th
In previous posts, I discussed why the so-called “negative” emotions of anger, shame, sadness, and fear are actually good friends and guides. In this post, I am going to close the loop on this project by outlining why joy, a “positive” emotion, can be your enemy.
How can this be? How can joy cause trouble? What’s wrong with feeling good?
Well, nothing, of course. Except that the pursuit of joy (and the fear of losing joy) can distract us from creating long-term happiness and fulfillment. And it can even bring about circumstances that cause tremendous suffering.
But how does this happen?
In one of two ways: Attachment and Distraction.
How is attachment a problem?
Attachment can be a problem when it clouds your judgment, preventing you from making the right choices (for you) in the hopes of getting or keeping something that you think will bring you joy.
I’m sure you’ve known people who have quit their jobs and moved away from their friends and families to a new city in order to stay together with a boyfriend/girlfriend, only to find themselves dumped and far from home when what they really needed to do is accept that other person is moving away and get on with life. Attachment to that other person, wanting to get or keep the Joy that comes from being with the other person, brought that on. Similarly, people can get attached to ideas, places and objects, and let this attachment prevent them from making wise decisions.
We can also get attached to the results of our actions and create trouble for ourselves and others. How many times have we told ourselves the following:
“I’ll be happy when I get rich/get married/have kids/get a promotion/get a better house…”
Staying so focused on the payoff prevents us from enjoying the journey, and in extreme circumstances it can lead to problems brought on by unethical behavior. Whether it’s fudging taxes, covering up problems at work, lying to your spouse to keep the peace, all of them can bring serious consequences crashing down upon you…simply because you wanted the joy associated with the payoff.
Joy can be a distraction
It can be — and it may be a harmless one, like procrastinating with Facebook or playing video games instead of taking action on something that would bring achievement and fulfillment.
Starting that big project at work can be hard. Same with fixing up your house, training for a 5K or writing a book, but those things can be incredibly rewarding (much more so than playing Angry Birds). But playing Angry Birds can provide the distraction of fun and joy.
Right now that prevents you from ever going down those paths.
Taken to the extreme, distraction becomes addiction. You drink/take drugs/gamble because it feels better than facing some challenge. No one becomes an addict because they honestly want the lifestyle and rewards — they do it because it feels good (initially at least), and it brings joy to have a drink or a hit or another card. If it didn’t feel good — at least in the moment — no one would do it.
But we do…because people find joy in distraction and they can’t tear themselves away from it long enough to take care of themselves.
In closing
Joy can lead to attraction and be a distraction. We get attached to another person or object, or to a certain result, and this can lead to bad decisions. Similarly, we can use momentary Joy to distract us from taking on more difficult challenges that would ultimately prove more fulfilling. Such distractions can prove devastating in the case of addictions. Joy is important, of course — I don’t think we could live without it for long.
But like the other “negative” emotions mentioned above, we need to keep it in its proper perspective.
(Photo credit: Boxing Punching Bag on Red via Shutterstock)
Why You Need to Give It Away
Jan 11th
Everyone is looking to make an extra buck these days.
We all want more clients, a better job offer, a promotion. Nothing wrong with that of course, but why is one of the best strategies to give it away?
Well, I’ll give you four good reasons.
You make connections
Let’s say you write a free white paper that can help solve a problem, or respond to questions at Answers.com, or give a free health assessment at a train station. You are meeting people and making connections. Granted, most of them will go nowhere, and that’s OK, if you begin to connect with 2 – 3 % of those who accept your offer, you will soon find that you know a whole bunch of people who are interested in you and your talents. You would not have met them if they would have had payed for something, since they didn’t know you and the risk was high. By giving stuff away you reduce their risk to almost nothing and more people will take you up on it.
You get practice
One of the best ways to gain experience, especially in a new and untried area, is to give it away. Again, there’s no risk. A company might not be willing to offer you a big salary to come and sell for them, but a church or PTA fundraising committee would be overjoyed if you volunteered to help them. Now you’re gaining experience, getting better at the thing you want to do and creating stories that demonstrate your success to people who will now consider taking a risk.
When I was still getting certified as a coach, I began volunteering at the Career Transition Center of Chicago, with a little training, a lot of raw talent, and a willingness to work for free. 200+ clients later, it has been a wonderful use of my time, and it has led to paying gigs.
It feels good
Don’t underestimate this. It feels great to do something you really enjoy and have people appreciate it, even if you’re not getting paid. You’re doing “Your Thing,” that will make you feel strong (if it doesn’t, it might not be “Your Thing”), Important point here; don’t just do something because you have to and do it begrudgingly. Do something you love to do, and your joy and passion will attract attention. If you like to write, write a white paper or a blog. If you hate writing, do something else, like create websites or read to sick kids or talk about a favorite topic at a professional association.
It always comes back to you
You are investing in the “Good Karma Market”, which always pays out in the long run when something is offered with joy and love. It doesn’t always pay out the way you expect, or on the schedule you would like, but it never fails. That’s not to say you should give in order to get. You should give and trust that you will get what matters. It’s a subtle distinction, yet crucial.
To sum up, give because you:
- Make connections
- You get practice
- It feels good
- It always comes back to you
Conclusion
I heard a story (I wish I could remember where) that most people stand in front of the fireplace and say to the fire, “I’ll give you more wood when you start giving off more warmth.” We laugh, but that is the approach many of us take to our careers and lives. Some people, on finding the fire burning hotter by sheer luck, don’t even put more wood in at that point, yet we find ourselves surprised when our career is nothing but ash.
Don’t be this person. If you put in more wood first, the fire will give off more warmth. Give and give. You will surely receive.
(Photo credit: The open hands of woman via Shutterstock)
A New Year’s Resolution Worksheet
Jan 2nd
Most people, most years. have given up on their resolutions by about mid-January. In order to give you a better chance, I’m offering the following techniques below in worksheet format.
These techniques will help with any goal — from losing weight to pursuing a promotion to starting your own business. By having a worksheet like this to reference throughout the year, you’re going to have a better shot to stay on track and make your mark in the year that has just arrived.
Now, remember: this is a worksheet and not an article (per se). So you have to…you know…do the work.
Your New Year’s Resolution Worksheet
- First, write out your resolution here. Make it as specific as you can (i.e., “lose ten pounds by May 31″ instead of “get in shape this year”). Just writing your goal down makes it more likely you will achieve it. Congratulations!
- Write down the payoff for achieving this that appeals to your values and emotions. For example, if you want to quit smoking, your compelling reason might be “I want to be healthy enough to dance with my 9 year old daughter when she gets married in about 20 years.”
- How will you remind yourself of this reason? (Perhaps a picture of your daughter, or a woman in a wedding dress, in your office.)
- Let’s anticipate trouble and head it off. What is the “payoff” from not changing? For example, smokers get a certain number of social breaks with their smoking buddies everyday. Or perhaps you put off a project that feels “difficult” or “overwhelming.”
- How can you get that payoff another way? Maybe you take a walk with a friend, or get a coffee, instead of having a smoke.
- What are the actions you need to take to realize your goal? Attach deadlines if appropriate. (Did you just freak out? If so, look back to question #2 for moral support!)
- What is the next step you can take towards your goal? When will you have this completed by? (Did you freak out again? Look back to question #2 for moral support as often as you need.)
- Who do you have to be to make this goal? What kind of person?
- How will you create accountability for realizing your goal? (Check all that apply.)
- I will check in with a friend (please note who and how often).
- I will create a chart / schedule (please note where & how often you will use it).
- I will create a reminder on my calendar / PDA / computer.
- I will tell lots of friends and acquaintances (Who or how many? By when?).
My hope is that you use these techniques to create a rewarding career and personal life this year. Please feel free to pass along to friends or colleagues who may benefit from them. Good luck on your 2012 new year’s resolutions and goals!
(Photo credit: Businessman Checking on Checklist Boxes via Shutterstock)
What Not to do to Get More Done
Dec 23rd
There are many great articles that tell you what to do in order to get things done. Some advocate very practical steps, like breaking the task into smaller pieces, or delegate more. Others are more high-level, about maintaining discipline or mindfulness and gratitude. For the record, I highly recommend such approaches, and use them myself.
Not doing gives you more time to do
One of the most powerful tools I have found in my quest for greater productivity and effectiveness is to look for what I can stop or avoid doing, since this frees up time and energy which can be used for really important stuff. So, without further ado, if you want to get more done, try not doing the following:
- Pointless email. I know, I know. You think every email you get is important, but really it’s not. Try cutting back checking your email to twice a day, and never look at email first thing in the morning, before you have a chance to set your direction for the day. Why? Most email really isn’t that important, but crafting thoughtful responses takes up a lot of time, and really doesn’t get much done. This is the junk food of the productivity world, it fills you up without nourishing you. This goes for both personal and work email.
- Reading your pointless email during a meeting. As if email isn’t bad enough, now you’re reading it during a meeting, when you should be participating?! Total waste of time, yours and theirs. Get involved or get out.
- Useless meetings If you’re not contributing something or gaining useful insight, then speak up, or get out, or say no next time this person calls one. Chances are you aren’t the only person who thinks that way, so you’ll be seen as a real get-things-done kinda guy or gal.
- Complaining. So yes, it feels good to blow off some steam and vent about the boss, your finances, your spouse, but in the end, it only reinforces a counterproductive mindset: that they are the problem and you are a victim. So just stop. Instead, try to see things from their perspective, and start looking for a solution, instead of griping.
- Watching TV. There are some TV shows that actually improve your ability to get things, but for the most part, TV is an anaesthetic; it zones you out and leaves you more tired, not relaxed. So, rather than watch TV, go out and do something useful, put on some music and straighten up your desk, or write a letter or an article (or that book you’ve always dreamed of!), or practice a musical instrument. Think about it from this angle: no one, on their deathbed, wishes they had watched more TV.
- Hanging around negative people, or people who indulge in the above behaviors. You become more and more like the people you spend time with. Think about that. If you hang around with people who gripe and complain, or who work hard and don’t get much done (or don’t work hard and don’t get much done), you will become, and remain, one of them.
So, what do you do if you are not doing these things above? That’s up to you, but you will find that when your time and energy isn’t being sucked up by trivialities you will be able to take on and accomplish the sorts of rewarding and satisfying challenges that you had previously only dreamed of.
How to Hack Language Learning
Nov 14th
Photo credit: Lorna87 (CC BY-NC 2.0)
There are no two ways about it: learning a foreign language is a lot of work.
There is grammar to master, vocabulary words to memorize, and the culture behind the language that adds context. That’s a tall order. For that reason, so few people actually learn a foreign language. It’s demanding — and lots of people speak English anyway, so it falls off the radar. However, the payoff is huge.
Speaking another person’s language creates a bond, and it demonstrates a respect and interest that is compelling. It also sets you apart, especially if you are American.
So, if you have made the decision to learn another language, I am going to offer you three major hacks to speed up your progress. As someone with a PhD in Linguistics and varying degrees of fluency in Russian, Polish, Bulgarian, Czech, French and Spanish, I know a thing or two about this stuff. And these are real, field-tested hacks, not academic theory.
The Ultimate Sacrifice
The first hack is a big one, and it will only work for some people. The single best way to learn a foreign language is to find a girlfriend/boyfriend who speaks that language, whose English is pretty minimal.
Why?
You want to communicate with your beloved — perhaps their family — and you spend a lot of time together. I have seen this work many times. Among my fellow language students, we would jokingly call this “the ultimate sacrifice.” If you are THERE, in country, as opposed to HOME, where we speak English, all the better.
Now, if you already married or otherwise committed, I would recommend against using this hack…for fairly obvious reasons.
The Powerful Shortcut
Okay — that was pretty “macro” but the next one is “micro”: Learn the adverbs. Why the adverbs? Well, there are tons of nouns and verbs and adjectives. You will eventually need to know many in order to have a decent conversation, but that is a lot of work. Also, you can often figure them out from context. If the other person says something like “I like that XYZ” and is pointing at some object, you can guess that it’s an XYZ. Adverbs are different, and they can change the meaning of a sentence dramatically. Look at the following pair of sentences (adverbs are IN CAPS):
“John BARELY caught the train.”
“John ALMOST caught the train.”
Big difference in meaning, right? And it may not be obvious from context. The nice thing about adverbs, unlike nouns, verbs and adjectives, is that there are far fewer that are used commonly. If you learn 100 nouns or verbs, it’s a drop in the bucket. If you learn 100 adverbs, you have significantly increased your ability to have a meaningful conversation. Here is a link to a list of common adverbs in English. Find out how to say them in your new language and get to work!
Maximize Input – No Excuses
When I was in high school in New Jersey in the 80s, studying Russian, if we wanted a real copy of a Russian newspaper, we would have to drag our butts into Brooklyn to spend a ton of cash to get two-week old copy of Pravda. That sucked. Today, you have access to amazing new resources via the internet. Go in the internet and type in “Russian [or whatever language] radio,” and you get a whole bunch of live streaming radio from all over, some from the mother country, some from the US. Listen to it, leave it on as much as you can stand, even if you have no idea what they’re saying, you’ll be picking up the rhythm and melody.
Getting foreign language TV is easy too; there are services similar to Netflix for many languages. There is music in your language on YouTube (trust me, there is — no matter how obscure). Look up the major newspapers in your language and pick through them, word by word. You can practice foreign language chat at sites like SharedTalk or My Language Exchange.
Why do this? Think about how much English you heard before you ever uttered “Mama”. You probably heard tens of thousands of words. You need that sort of input to make sense of a language, and you can do it passively, just like when you were a kid.
So, just turn on talk radio or YouTube and you are off to the races — even when you aren’t paying attention.
Conclusion
The three powerful strategies for learning a foreign language so you can have an advantage in today’s global economy are as follows:
- The boyfriend/girlfriend who speaks <Foreign Language> but not English. This is the most fun, of course, but it is limited in application, and comes with certain other risks
- Learn the adverbs. You will have to do this anyway, and it’s the best way to enlarge your useful vocabulary FAST
- Get as much exposure to your language as you can. Listen to TV and radio, read the emergency instructions in the seatback on the airplane, in order to replicate the environment when you were learning English, without concentrating so hard on it…
Have fun — and come back fluent!
What Dental Floss Can Teach Us About Time Management
Oct 3rd
Smile...you're managing your time better!
Flossing your teeth is one of the best examples of the principles of time management. Why?
Well, we all know it’s something you should do, yet probably don’t do.
After you see your dentist, you vow to do better this time, you stay on it for a few days, maybe, and then let it go again, until your next appointment. Why does this happen? Well, flossing is a hassle, and the payoff is in the distant future. If I told you I’d give you a million bucks if you flossed your teeth right now, you’d run out and get some floss and make it happen, right? Of course!
But that’s not your reality.
The reality is that if you spend a few minutes now before bed time, you will be less likely to get cavities, lose your teeth, or suffer gum disease in the future — perhaps in the distant future, decades from now. When you are 75, you will wish you had started flossing when you were 30, but by then it will be too late. Furthermore, research has shown that people who floss actually live longer then people who don’t. Think about that. When you are on death’s door decades from now, you will wish you had a few more healthy years in you, to see your grandkids, to share with your husband or wife, to continue your life’s work. That puts things into perspective, doesn’t it? You can give yourself that gift, but you will need to start flossing today.
So, how will you stay motivated today when the payoff won’t come for so many years? You know you should floss, but should is not enough. You need to create a visceral, emotional payoff that you can experience now, that will motivate you to keep going. Perhaps it’s as simple as a mantra you repeat to yourself as you pick up the floss each night: “I am giving myself the gift of a longer life,” or “I’m going to have a sexy smile when I’m 75!”
Or maybe you imagine smiling as your grandkids bounce on your knee, or as you walk your granddaughter down the aisle to get married, or play golf with your best friend, whatever has meaning for you. Is that worth a few minutes of hassle right now? Of course it is!
Now, perhaps you are motivated by avoiding pain. In that case imagine something awful, like having no teeth, not being able to enjoy a juicy apple or hearty steak, but you can avoid that with a few minutes of work right now. Worth it, right?
Maybe none of that is sufficient. The payoff is too far away, too abstract. Fair enough. If you have kids, or if you have ever worked with kids, you surely know that they can be motivated by immediate rewards. Floss your teeth, and get a gold star on the chart! Collect ten stars and you get a reward, like a favorite coffee drink or a trip to the movies. Yes, this is bribery, and every parent and teacher on this earth has resorted to it many times, because used well, it works! Find a reward that is motivating and use that to incentivize yourself to floss. Create a chart if you need to, or find an app.
When I was 10, my aunt told me she would give me five dollars if I finished my green beans. I choked them down in seconds. She thought it proved that I actually liked them. I didn’t, but I had a clear picture of the reward for doing something I didn’t want to do — which was the five dollars she promised.
The bottom line is you want to find a way to experience some satisfaction today, even though the benefit of flossing won’t be felt for years. Create this kind of reward for yourself, and not just flossing — but anything — becomes possible.
How to Hack Men’s Style
Sep 8th
Too many men look like hell and don’t need to. It’s not about being messy, some guys look great messy (most don’t). It’s about style. Most of us want or need more of it. Here are the hacks to get you there.
Personal “brand”
First. What is your personal brand? What are five words that describe you? Ask your friends for a few words to describe you. That is your current style. If that doesn’t work for you, what do you want instead? List those words.
How conventional are you? Do you take risks? Are you serious? Playful? My personal brand has a lot of humor, and I am pretty comfortable being the center of attention, so I can get away with wearing a bright pink sport coat, or four different patterns (coordinated, of course), but I fade into the woodwork if I’m wearing a grey suit, white shirt and red tie. That’s me. Who are you?
Look for other styles
Next, find magazines that speak to your style. Look at the ads and the photos. What are the guys wearing? Imagine yourself in that. Would that look good on you? (some of the things in magazines are to be avoided, by the way) Read the style articles, too, but don’t always believe them when they say that this or that trend is coming back. “Hats” have been coming back for almost 50 years, but have never quite recovered since the 1950s. Don’t buy one because they are trendy, buy one because you like it.
Go to a store (that fits your style…) and browse. I know, we’re guys, we prefer hunting over gathering. So, think of this as scouting for your prey. Take a friend whose judgment you trust and run ideas by him / her, but make your own decisions! (BTW, you will make mistakes. That’s OK, that’s how you learn…) If you don’t have a friend you trust with this stuff, walk up to someone else in the store and ask his or her opinion about the shirt / suit / shoes you are wearing. This is a fun way to meet people, too.
Get some professional help
Find a knowledgeable salesperson in the store and enlist his / her help. Remember, they may be on commission, so they may want to sell you stuff you don’t really want, you will need to use judgment here too. A good salesperson won’t do this, preferring to build a relationship instead. You want that too, so that they will tell you about upcoming sales and offer to put stuff aside for you. This is VERY important if you are in any way a non-standard size (says the guy who is 6’5″). Anyway…ask him / her what colors and cuts look best on you. Not everyone looks good in all colors and patterns. Blue is great for me, dark grey not so much. Similarly, bold patterns make people look bigger and broader, which is great if you are 5’6″ and 120 pounds, but not if you are 6’0″ and 350 pounds.
Lastly, enjoy the process. There is a science, as well as an art, and you can learn both. Don’t take it seriously (except for those few occasions when you must, like funerals).
By the way, that is me in the photo above, no stock photo could capture the mood quite right….
Three Reasons Why Anger is Your Friend
Aug 2nd
Previously, we have discussed why Fear, Sadness and Shame are actually your friends. Today we are going to talk about Anger. Anger gets a lot of bad press. Executives are sent to Anger Management classes, we talk about Road Rage and Bullying. But Anger, expressed cleanly, can very much be your friend.
First, Anger gives you the energy to confront a threat. Angry people “aren’t going to take it anymore,” they are going to do something to right a wrong or put a stop to an injustice or defend against an attacker, and these people are fired up! That’s important because threats can be scary, and, you know, threatening, and it helps to have the energy that angers gives us to confront them. Without that anger and energy, you can sit there and think and think and think, and rationalize why you’re not doing anything, and nothing will change. Angry people don’t stay passive long.
Second, Anger helps you to set boundaries. When you find yourself feeling Angry, you know that someone or something just violated your sense of boundaries, your sense of what is right and wrong, and you feel compelled to do something about it. Now, Anger can be very consuming, in the moment, but it may well help you in the moment to ask yourself, before you actually run off half-cocked and do something you may regret, “what just happened to violate my boundaries? What do I need to do to address that?” Now you have a clearer idea of the problem, and the solution, and, as noted above, the energy to step forward and act, even when there is risk.
Lastly, Anger helps you to show others you are serious. Clean Anger, as opposed to blind rage (Anger’s very troublesome twin brother), demonstrates your willingness to confront that threat, to enter into conflict and to stay present, even as you get cut and bruised in the fray, and to do what it takes to prevail. Anger can be kinda scary, and when presented with Anger, many people will back down.
The trick with Anger, of course, is for you to 1> Use your anger in pursuit of a worthwhile goal that serves a higher purpose for your values, your community, your family. Scaring people just to get what you want is just playground Bullying. 2> Stay in control of yourself so that you can keep your eye on the goal and move toward it purposefully, so that you don’t find yourself enjoying conflict for its own sake and causing unnecessary damage. Perhaps we can say it like this: Anger is a great Servant, but a really bad Master.
So, Anger gives you the energy to confront a threat, helps you to set boundaries, and show others you are serious. That is definitely a friend worth having, or maybe a trusted bodyguard. Either way, you want someone like that in your corner.
3 Reasons Why Shame is Your Friend
Jul 13th
Previously we discussed how Fear is your friend, because can guide you towards what’s important for you, motivate you to take action to improve your odds, and you give you a rush. We also discussed how Sadness can be your friend, because Sadness shows you what you care about, Sadness helps you to appreciate what you have, and Sadness requires you to be authentic. Today we are going to talk about how Shame is your friend. This one is a bit trickier than the first two, but it’s no less powerful.
1. Shame Indicates Your Vulnerabilities
First, Shame shows you what you believe about yourself, and what your vulnerabilities are. We all have our weak spots, and, when you think about it, wouldn’t you rather be aware of them than not? So, you may ask, how does this work? Great question, I’m glad you asked. As Eleanor Roosevelt famously said, “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” When you feel shame, you are subconsciously consenting to what was said about you. Hmmm, sounds complicated you say. Fair enough, here’s an example. If someone were to call me stupid, it would roll right off my back. No part of me feels stupid. I have a PhD from the University of Chicago, and they don’t just hand those out for free. I have full faith in my intellectual abilities. Now, when someone calls me ugly, I feel a flush of shame, because when I was a kid, I felt ugly, and part of me still feels that way sometimes, so that indicates that I am still carrying around that belief about myself, buried in my subconscious. When someone insults you and you get upset, part of you believes the insult might be true, that’s insight into what you believe about yourself, and it indicates what you might want to work on as personal growth.
2. Shame Deflates Your Ego
Second, Shame deflates your ego. When you have done something that hurts yourself or others, you feel ashamed. When someone calls you on it, you feel even more ashamed. Both of those things are good, by the way. We all do things that violate our values (and that feeling of Shame can show you what those are, by the way!), and Shame is the emotion we feel in response to our values being hurt, just as physical pain is your body’s response to being hurt. Shame gets us out of our self-conscious ego that drives us to make selfish or foolish choices, and back into our values and our community.
3. The Back-Handed Compliment
Lastly, Shame is actually a back-handed compliment. You can only feel shame if you have a conscience and it’s working! Maybe you do something stupid or cruel, and you feel ashamed. That’s great! That means you are a decent human being with a conscience. A psychopath won’t feel shame, but you do, so you are a good person! The fact that you feel bad about yourself is actually cause to feel good about yourself! Shame also highlights what your values are, because you only feel it when you violate your values. Also, when you feel Shame, part of you knows you can do better. No one feels ashamed that they can’t fly or breathe underwater, because these are impossible! You may feel ashamed that you don’t make more money, but that means that you already believe you could be making more money! Another back-handed compliment! So, while Shame may be quite painful in the moment, if you reflect on it and deconstruct it, you can actually find a lot to be proud of (I know, weird, right?)
So, Shame shows you what you believe about yourself and what your vulnerabilities are, it deflates your ego, and it is actually a backhanded compliment! Not bad, that friend has a lot of wisdom and good advice for you, even thought it may seem hard to swallow at first.